PMS

I feel like my dad is really annoyed with me. I dont really know why. Hes been out of town all week, but hes home now, which is good. Well, its good besides the fact that now that hes home my parents will be making almost the biggest decision ever within the next few days. I just kind of dont want it ever to be made, because that way I never have to find out what is going to happen, and I can live happily and nievely (however you spell that). And I'm doing so well in math and bio right now. I just dont want to screw it up. And I don't want to screw up my history grade with this project. I just want to get into college. A college that is first rate and nice and good for me and to me. I don't know. Maybe part of my journey is leaving. And if I do leave, everything will just be so weird for me. I dont know how to live there. I dont know physically how. 

Sometimes I just really wish that this blog was anonymous because then I could say whatever I wanted to and it wouldnt matter. No one would care and it would be just a blog that no one read except for me, and random people who were interested enough to read it. And then I could throw myself up all over this blog and no one would care or give me sympathy that I dont want. 

Its so weird. Everyone is obsessed with Julia's death. And thats great that she had so many people who love her. But I mean, so many people are obsessed with it. People who didnt know her at all, which is still nice. I mean I feel so sad for her family, but everyone keeps saying, "oh my god! im so sad she died! I met her only once at a party, but she seemed nice ! i cried all last night even though ive only met her once!" The thing that these people dont realize is that it happens every day. And Julia didnt even get the worst rap. Some people get cancer or AIDS, and basically have a death sentence. People watched Julia die, with out the chance to say goodbye, which must have been horrible, but imagine watching for a whole three months, or a whole year. Watching someone you love die infront of your eyes, and you cant stop it. The ONLY thing you can do is say goodbye. You slowly watch them go from living a normal life, to going to the hospital, to getting put into the ICU, to getting a respirator because they cant breathe on their own, to not even being able to stay awake anymore, to being dead. And youve lost them. No one gets that this happens every day, and theyre so sad and acting so distressed when they didnt even know her. Imagine losing one of your best friends. 5 months later and youre still a wreck.

Last night I woke up at about midnight. Because I just couldn't believe that Guru died. She died. She died? she died. The word has lost all meaning. Just a second ago, she was standing up, and walking, and being, and now shes just not? I dont get it. I dont understand the logic behind it. It doesnt make sense. I dont understand. I just dont get it. And its so hard, because ive been coping with this for months, and these random eighth graders at my school are throwing hissy fits because of Julia when the ADMIT theyve only SEEN her once in their entire lives. It just pisses me off so much, when it shouldnt. Because Julia's death was a sad affair. I never knew of her until a few days ago, but it was sad. But its just not. ok with me what theyre doing. Every day is someones death day. Every event that ever occurs is just as happy as it is sad. They just dont get it.