Saturday, March 19, 2011

I have so much to say, but no energy to say it. I feel myself slipping away and I'm just grappling for something to hold on to. I know that I'm all I need. I just. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be strong for myself. I know I can be. I just need to pull myself together. Come on Zena, pull yourself together. Please. So that you don't have to go through this any longer. Will yourself to be strong. I can do this. I can get through this. I know I can. I don't want to cry. I'm just so close. I have so much weight on myself. It just needs to be lifted. More than anything I just want to do a plastique but there are strangers in my house and I'm sitting huddled in a corner of my room. I have so much to come. I just have to get through this week. Then I can fly far, far away. I just don't want to sit here like this with nothing to do but cry. Don't break me. Why am I broken? How did I get here. I AM NOT BROKEN. No. I refuse. I mean it. I won't let myself slip into that. NO. no no no. I just want to go on living and breathing and being myself. Why are all of these strangers in my house?

I can't believe tonight is our last show. I have such a strong emotional connection with this piece and our cast. I don't want to let go. Letting go has always been hard. I just have to breathe and let it slide through my fingers. Holding on won't do me any good. This play has been amazing for me, I have learned more than I can say.

In seven days I will be leaving the country and going to Beirut for the first time in two years. I miss it so much. I used to go there so often. I cannot wait to see everyone, all of my family. Oh how I miss it. I need it back. It's such a precious part of me. I want that back.

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