Thursday, March 24, 2011

I know you really want to cry right now, even though you can't. I understand, really I do. There have been so many times when I was just so desperate to feel something that I just forced tears and wouldn't stop until I was sobbing. Don't hate me for this.. but maybe you should be happy that you're not on the floor sobbing. That you don't have something that is making you sick with tears.

I was like you for most of my life. I Didn't feel like I was capable of feeling anything. I was convinced I had no emotions. I would force laughter and tears. Then I took a series of theater classes at my school and I was able to open up my emotional receptors. I found myself slowly gaining feeling, and suddenly feel everything all at once. I learned how to let those scary emotions in. After a year and a half of this emotional work I felt really ready to open up to the world. "Here I am World! Take my complete self!". It was right then, when I was the most open I had ever been, the most vulnerable, that one of my best friends died of cancer. And I felt everything. Every ounce of grief and sadness, every tear, every single emotion (even those that I didn't know existed). I no longer had my shield and that hole in my chest that I had spent so long building was letting all of my emotions rush through my body and manifest themselves. I was such a mess. And yes, it was great to feel, but also so painful and heart wrenching. It is the most emotion and sadness that I have ever felt in my tiny existence.

I am not saying don't try to feel. What I am trying to say is.. maybe be happy that you have nothing to sob about. Treasure the times when you're not on the floor, sick to your stomach because of the grief you are feeling. My friend died last year and it still hurts. Sometimes I can't even believe it happened... But treasure the good. The laughs. Don't spend your time trying to force yourself to cry when you could be stunning the world with that beautiful smile of yours. Happiness comes and goes. Grab it when you can.

No comments:

Post a Comment