Strange and Beautiful

It's been a while since I needed to use this blog. I'm actually so thankful that not many people read this anymore. When I switched over to tumblr, I stopped writing here for a while... and people stopped reading. All of my friends read my tumblr instead. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I can't post anything on tumblr because people who I never wanted to find my page found me. I feel like every word I publish could possibly betray me. I can't believe my sister reads my tumblr. I feel so hurt and betrayed. We promised we would never look each other up to preserve our privacy. All I want is a place where I feel like nobody will find me. I just want somewhere safe to put my thoughts. I just want a blank page. I guess this right here is my tabula rasa.

I'm having such a hard time and I can't tell a soul. I feel that doing so would betray my family. It's so hard and I'm so scared and I just want to cry and disappear. I just want to go back to when things were good, when everything was ok. When I was a child and I wasn't old enough to understand these things. I would take naivety over this knowledge any day. I feel so helpless, yet so responsible. I feel like both the victim and the tyrant. I would rather feel nothing at all and to go on leading an oblivious existence. But the thing is... that I can't escape. I never will be able to escape. Everything will always follow me around for the rest of my life. There is no such thing as running away from anything. It's just an idiotic trick we play on ourselves. I'm having such a difficult time. I just want.. I just want to.. I just...

Nothing.

Living translucently,

Waking, sleeping, shitting.

Waking only to realize I am

still asleep,following the obscenely straight

lines worn into the blasted concrete.

Absent minded, gone on leave;

the imaginary line between life and

make believe thins still, until it is

merely a blurry projection on a white board

being analyzed by a class of heartless students.

Do I need to do this? On average how many things do I actually do for myself? Stop doing things for others, Zena. Live. your. own. life. N'oublie pas l'existentialisme et l'enfer de Sartre. Si tu vis ton vie pour les autres, tu seras en enfer. L'enfer n'est pas un endriot, c'est les autres. Je ne veux pas y aller.

1) "In the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make" - The Beatles

2) Green!

3) I actually miss you. I never thought that would be possible... but I really do. Please, come back?I really mean it. I want you to be a part of my life.

Oh my god, sometimes I just hate myself! Do you ever get that? I just hate me! Ugh, laskdhgalskdgha;lskdgha;lsdgkha;sldkhga;sdlkgha. FRUSTRATION!!