HOW CAN I BE ON MY PERIOD AGAIN? I WAS ON MY PERIOD DURING THE BEGINNING OF EXAMS. IT HAS BARELY BEEN THREE WEEKS. HOW THE FUCK CAN I BE ON MY PERIOD AGAIN? THIS IS NOT OK. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

ashes to ashes dust to dust
death is the only truth in life

Hi.
Hi there.

So.

I've been thinking...

Not about anything special.

Just thinking.

Aren't you proud of your girl?

I know I am.

Or I try to be.

Sometimes I'm not.

But thats okay.

I don't need to like myself all the time.

That makes it all the better when I do.

Was that grammatically correct?

I don't really care.

Just because I asked doesn't mean I care.

I usually don't care.

I just ask.

Which is all good and well for me.

I'm not here to please you all.

I don't put on make up to please you.

I don't worry about my weight to please you.

I don't put on heels to please you. 

I don't do things for you.

I do things for me.

So that I can like myself.

So that I can live with the decisions that I make.

I'm not here for you.

I'm here for me.

I'm not going to worry about you until I'm done worrying about me.

I'm not for you.

I'm for me.

Do you do things because you think they are right or because you want to?

I do things because I want to.

And hope that what I want happens to be right.

I have to live with myself and the things that I do.

I have to live with that.

So I have to let myself do the stuff that I want.

How can I live with myself if I'm living in denial?

I do what I want.

I feel what I want.

I eat what I want.

I believe what I want.

And hopefully, I get what I want.

Kisses,

Z

"For what's the sound of the world out there?
Those crunching noises pervading the air!
It's man devouring man, my dear!
And who are we to deny it in here?"

"The history of the world, my love
Is those below serving those up above!

How gratifying for once to know
That those above will serve those down below!"

- Sweeney Todd

 Hey....

So... this rain is fun.... and sitting on my ass watching House all day long is fun.... 

..... yeah..........

So..... um.... the water pouring out of the sky is kind of cool....

um......

yeah......................

.....so....... like......

.... yeah...

Hello my lovelies.

So... I'm just going to write about stuff in my life, because thats why we're all here...

Winter break. Woooooo! I love being a couple (and no, not a romantic couple... though... lets face it... we should be. and kind of are married). I love us baking cookies and staying up watching tv and being the same person but not and spooning. Because that is fun. 

So I went and saw the Tempest and the Landmark yesterday and it was really really good. It was really interesting to see Shakespeare's progression as a play write. The Tempest was his last play, and you could really see so many traces from all of his other work into it. I liked the film. I liked the actors. It was good. Just not... completely, 100%, meat eating, satisfying.

My cousin is coming from Lebanon tomorrow! Her name is Hena. I love her. I miss my people. I never ever get so see my people. My other cousin, Hiba (her sister), is coming in January for a few weeks so I'm also really excited for that. Its nice to have people.

Lots of reading. That is what is going to happen these two weeks. I have a bunch of stuff lined up that I'm really excited about. I also have to write my Guerin Scholar paper. I think I know who I'm going to write about... this is so exciting!

I am currently knitting (no I'm not.... I'm typing...) in my blanket watching Grey's and its raining and I just ate a bunch of Christmas cookies that I made earlier today with my wife. Life is good. Its nice to have that.

Journal

Yesterday I recovered a journal from 3rd grade. I was 9 years old. I thought I would post some of the entries as the are written in the journal. I could not stop laughing after I read them.

Dear Diery, 

Today we painted the house for moving, or should I say startid painting! The painters are going to come back tomorrow. I  am going to move from St. Louis MO to LA CAlaferya. I dont want to move away from all my frinds. 

- 5/13/03

Dear Diery, 

Today we really started to paint. Yesterday we just put on plaster. Mr. Wilis is our gardaner. He will make our gardin butiful so it will be more atractive. We planted lot of patunys. Their colors where purple, red, and pink. We also planted little lowers. There colors were pink, and white. Will my life be diffrent i LA? Will I have a new ruteen and invierment? Will I make friends right away? I have so many questions in life, some of them are about moving. I only wish I new all the ansers.

- 5/14/03

Dear Diery,

I am sooooooooooo sorry that I havint rote in you for a long time. I am on vacation to LA. We have a house it is soooo cool. I have my own room, bathroom, and a walk in closit! My room is the bigist, well not really. You see there are only 3 bed rooms. the master then the 2 bed rooms. Mine is bigger then my sisters, but she also gets a bathroom, but not a walkin closet. I reallyyyyyy like my room. LA is really funn and cool. We ar in the Dubble Tree Hotel. This is there simble. I will draw it the best I can. (insert awful picture of two trees) The school I am going to is west wood charter. I have only seen the ourside of it. School ends on June 19th and starts on Sept. 2. I am righting with a monky pen this is what it looks like (insert awful picture of a monkey).

- 6/18/03

There are no typos in these entries. That is how I spelled in 3rd grade. If you know me now.... it makes my awful spelling look good. At least I can spell the word monkey now... I hope this was happy for you all to read.

I'm not jewish, but this video makes me so happy!! I have literally been listening to it nonstop all day.

Stress

  These past weeks I have learned how much stress affects my body. I never noticed before but it is ridiculous. Not only does my period come during the most heavily stress-filled days of the year (and skips around my cycle like mad) (It came during chicago, then on the night of open studio, lasting though my ACT and exams) (lovely), but it also causes me to break out, and I lose weight. On my period I lose weight because of all my stress. You are not supposed to lose weight on your period! You are supposed to gain 3 pounds! I lost 5 pounds! Five freaking pounds. On my period. How does that work???? I hate hate this. I hate that my body as to synchronize with all of the stress around me. It just makes everything worse and so unpleasant and makes me want to die. (not really. but kind of yes really...). I want this to go jump off a cliff, far far away. now. thank you.