Grades were sent out last week. I still haven't gotten mine. I really want mine. I also don't really want mine. 

... eeek.

Today is halloween.

I like candy.

I want to be wise. I want to know things, to have tasted things. Everyday I come home and sit on my ass pretending to do homework. No. I want to read. I want to eat. I want to travel. I want to find things I never knew existed and be astounded by their complexity and sheer magic.

I feel like I'm trapped inside my own little bubble that is school, my brain, my computer, and  my silly little excuse for a life. I don't want this, but I also don't want to get up and move on.

There is a comfort in the familiar, the ordinary, the knowing that I tend to thrive off of. I am so lazy, I never stand up and think for a SINGLE SECOND! It's amazing! It needs to change. Habit is so hard to break.

I have so much. Just so much in my body.

It feels like christmas. I want it to be winter and christmas and shopping and cookies and books and cookies and sweats and knit sweaters and boots and tea and pie. I want it to be. I already feel it and its not even halloween yet. 

I want my time. I want days where I am not immersed in school. I want days in winter to watch Friends and 30 Rock and Gilmore Girls. I want more tea. I want candy canes. I want socks. I want sweater dresses. I want scarves.

I want Schuyler and Phoebe and Jamie and Catherine and Newby and Everyone and winterfest. I want my sunday morning John O'Groats and movie with Newby. I want pajamas. I want to walk. I want to work in the shop and use power tools and eat chocolate. I want to do strike. I want to do our show, but only sort of. I want to do History Boys and not be type cast. I want to do that show so badly.

I want to eat pumpkin bread and apples and caramel and eat amazing food and just be in the moment. I want to do a plastique. I havnt done one in so long. too long. that was really important.

I want everything and nothing. I dont think i like wanting.

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I've kept wanting to post, but every time I sat down at the computer, I somehow decided against it. It really is very sad. 

Lately I've been feeling so lost in this world. I feel like its all in my brain. Which it is.  But I don't want it to feel that way. Every one's world exists in their own heads. I see the world with my eyes, but everything is in my mind. Its such a scary thought. Every person is a person. Just like me. They think things and feel things and like... see things. I know it sounds so silly to say it like that, but it's so strange for me to think about it like that. I don't know.

Lately I've been thinking about the human body and the idea of dance, and sex, and bodies colliding as flesh and physics. When you're working with someone through your body where does the line stop between being two different people and being something bigger than yourselves. I started thinking about this mostly after the exercise we did in Drama Ensemble. 

We're also doing scenes in Drama Ensemble from Our Town, and all I can think about is how much I loved doing that play, and how important the story was to me, and still is to me. I love George and Emily so much. I miss those days of my life. I miss the show, I miss the chairs, I miss Rachel and Natalie and Abby and Liza and Sally. Its so funny sitting here in rehearsal as a junior and looking at the eighth graders. I remember how much I looked up to them. I can't even believe that I'm one of them now. It doesn't quite make sense. Oh well.

Life goes on.