Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
It's been a while since I needed to use this blog. I'm actually so thankful that not many people read this anymore. When I switched over to tumblr, I stopped writing here for a while... and people stopped reading. All of my friends read my tumblr instead. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I can't post anything on tumblr because people who I never wanted to find my page found me. I feel like every word I publish could possibly betray me. I can't believe my sister reads my tumblr. I feel so hurt and betrayed. We promised we would never look each other up to preserve our privacy. All I want is a place where I feel like nobody will find me. I just want somewhere safe to put my thoughts. I just want a blank page. I guess this right here is my tabula rasa.
I'm having such a hard time and I can't tell a soul. I feel that doing so would betray my family. It's so hard and I'm so scared and I just want to cry and disappear. I just want to go back to when things were good, when everything was ok. When I was a child and I wasn't old enough to understand these things. I would take naivety over this knowledge any day. I feel so helpless, yet so responsible. I feel like both the victim and the tyrant. I would rather feel nothing at all and to go on leading an oblivious existence. But the thing is... that I can't escape. I never will be able to escape. Everything will always follow me around for the rest of my life. There is no such thing as running away from anything. It's just an idiotic trick we play on ourselves. I'm having such a difficult time. I just want.. I just want to.. I just...
Nothing.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Living translucently,
Waking, sleeping, shitting.
Waking only to realize I am
still asleep,following the obscenely straight
lines worn into the blasted concrete.
Absent minded, gone on leave;
the imaginary line between life and
make believe thins still, until it is
merely a blurry projection on a white board
being analyzed by a class of heartless students.
Do I need to do this? On average how many things do I actually do for myself? Stop doing things for others, Zena. Live. your. own. life. N'oublie pas l'existentialisme et l'enfer de Sartre. Si tu vis ton vie pour les autres, tu seras en enfer. L'enfer n'est pas un endriot, c'est les autres. Je ne veux pas y aller.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, May 6, 2011
Monday, May 2, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 15, 2011
Yesterday was one of the worst nights I've had all year, and I don't even understand anything that happened. Today was just so exhaustingly busy that I didn't have time to reflect. I went out by myself tonight. It was so refreshing. I saw this really good french movie bought the perfect birthday present for my friend's party tomorrow night. I can't wait to just sleep this off. I hated yesterday. Even it's memory makes me what to shiver and cry. I wish I understood myself better.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
When I named this blog Be Ok, I really meant it. I wasn't just alluding to the song. I really, really want to be ok. Really, very badly. There are some days when I am so far away from being ok that I forget what ok tastes like, or even smells like. Please bring me back. Please. I'm actually begging.
My sister makes me want to cry. My sister makes me want to cry. My sister is making me cry. I hate it. I hate it. I. HATE. IT. She is the shallowest person I know. She is so vain. The worst part is that she thinks her vanity is deep. She makes me want to pull my hair out. I can't express how frustrated I am with her. I hate it when she makes me cry. She is asldhkga;dlgd awful. We are going to move houses and I found this beautiful house. The outside is not extremely charming but I adore the inside. It's wonderful. It's perfect. I really, really love it. And she hates it just because she doesn't think the outside is pretty enough. She cares so much what people think of her that she only considers how she, and everything else, looks on the outside. She is so vain. So vain. She never drops her guard. Everything is calculated and nothing is genuine. And she doesn't care, even when she knows she is hurting you, because your genuine emotions are beneath her manufactured ones. I hate this. I just want to leave. She ignores every thing real, even though the both of us know she spends her life faking. If she gets a pimple, disaster has struck. Even more so if she gains a pound. Oh how I wish my blog was anonymous so that I could more freely express myself. It's really killing me inside. Blow by blow. Please save me. Take me somewhere where everything is real and I can feel real. Where I don't have to feel like I'm screaming but no one can hear through their fake ears. Please. Can we drop all pretenses and stop pretending. I feel like I'm losing the difference between reality and the manufactured life forming around me.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I know you really want to cry right now, even though you can't. I understand, really I do. There have been so many times when I was just so desperate to feel something that I just forced tears and wouldn't stop until I was sobbing. Don't hate me for this.. but maybe you should be happy that you're not on the floor sobbing. That you don't have something that is making you sick with tears.
I was like you for most of my life. I Didn't feel like I was capable of feeling anything. I was convinced I had no emotions. I would force laughter and tears. Then I took a series of theater classes at my school and I was able to open up my emotional receptors. I found myself slowly gaining feeling, and suddenly feel everything all at once. I learned how to let those scary emotions in. After a year and a half of this emotional work I felt really ready to open up to the world. "Here I am World! Take my complete self!". It was right then, when I was the most open I had ever been, the most vulnerable, that one of my best friends died of cancer. And I felt everything. Every ounce of grief and sadness, every tear, every single emotion (even those that I didn't know existed). I no longer had my shield and that hole in my chest that I had spent so long building was letting all of my emotions rush through my body and manifest themselves. I was such a mess. And yes, it was great to feel, but also so painful and heart wrenching. It is the most emotion and sadness that I have ever felt in my tiny existence.
I am not saying don't try to feel. What I am trying to say is.. maybe be happy that you have nothing to sob about. Treasure the times when you're not on the floor, sick to your stomach because of the grief you are feeling. My friend died last year and it still hurts. Sometimes I can't even believe it happened... But treasure the good. The laughs. Don't spend your time trying to force yourself to cry when you could be stunning the world with that beautiful smile of yours. Happiness comes and goes. Grab it when you can.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The best shows are the ones that leave you speechless and utterly inspired. That is exactly how Hair left me feeling, as did the Laramie Project (though not a musical, just a straight play). It's those few, magical hours when I'm sitting in the audience watching such shows or acting/singing/dancing onstage that I feel more alive than ever. Sometimes I feel like the only way I can properly express my emotions is when I'm onstage. A bit sad, but worth it.
Five days until I get to board a plane and go to my home, far, far away. Four days until spring break. I am so ready for two weeks of peace. No school, no work, lots of sleep, no tests, lots of books, more tv than I could ask for, and escape. Sounds amazing to me.
I started watching the tv show Merlin. One of the best decisions I have made all week. The structure of the show reminds me of that of Dr. Who in the sense that each episode has a problem to solve, a new villain to stop, and mythical/magical aspects to it. Such a good show (although I am only on the 5th episode.
We had strike today. I adore strike more than I can say. It is one of my favorite parts of every show I do. I love tech and there is something so cathartic about ripping apart what you took weeks to build. I'm quite good with power tools/anything technical because I do so much of it, so our technical director let me do whatever I wanted and I got to handle some of the more enjoyable "heavy duty" work. How I Met Your Mother is on tonight and I have no homework. It's turning out to be a good day.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
My sweet, little sister,
I wish we connect more than I can say. Watching you breaks my heart. I don't want you to hate me or judge me. I just want us to accept each other before I leave and it's too late for us to ever be there for one another. You are all I'll ever have. How did we get here? Why are we like this. Why can't I even hug you without you asking why I'm reaching out to you? Why can't we be healthy for each other? I really do love you, no matter what you might think.
I feel so disconnected. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to vocalize my emotions. Thank god my best friend is telepathic. I feel so lost. I feel like I'm buried under piles of dirt and know one can hear my cries for help. CATCH ME I'M FALLING. PLEASE HEAR ME CALLING. CATCH ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. I will not slip away off of the face of this earth. I won't let myself. Be here, be present, feel the world around you. Just be. Please, just be.
I have so much to say, but no energy to say it. I feel myself slipping away and I'm just grappling for something to hold on to. I know that I'm all I need. I just. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be strong for myself. I know I can be. I just need to pull myself together. Come on Zena, pull yourself together. Please. So that you don't have to go through this any longer. Will yourself to be strong. I can do this. I can get through this. I know I can. I don't want to cry. I'm just so close. I have so much weight on myself. It just needs to be lifted. More than anything I just want to do a plastique but there are strangers in my house and I'm sitting huddled in a corner of my room. I have so much to come. I just have to get through this week. Then I can fly far, far away. I just don't want to sit here like this with nothing to do but cry. Don't break me. Why am I broken? How did I get here. I AM NOT BROKEN. No. I refuse. I mean it. I won't let myself slip into that. NO. no no no. I just want to go on living and breathing and being myself. Why are all of these strangers in my house?
I can't believe tonight is our last show. I have such a strong emotional connection with this piece and our cast. I don't want to let go. Letting go has always been hard. I just have to breathe and let it slide through my fingers. Holding on won't do me any good. This play has been amazing for me, I have learned more than I can say.
In seven days I will be leaving the country and going to Beirut for the first time in two years. I miss it so much. I used to go there so often. I cannot wait to see everyone, all of my family. Oh how I miss it. I need it back. It's such a precious part of me. I want that back.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I would choose him to raise a child. The truth is that I am (pretty obviously) in love with Aaron Tveit. He will never know.. but he will creepily star in every one of my dreams and make it possible for me to sleep at night. I adore him. This is so depressing. I really don't care though. I'll admit to it. I love Aaron Tveit.
Sometimes I can't believe it. She's been gone for over a year now. I'm still here. Guru died. It just seems unreal. It didn't really happen. She didn't really get cancer at age 15.
Sometimes I go to the park where she used to play basketball and just look at the pictures of her up on the wall. On my shelf at home a have a bottle of Tylonal that she asked me to hold in my purse for her one day. I’ve never touched it since.
No one gets cancer at 15. I'm not actually here breathing right now, am I? How did that happen and how am I still here? How did I get here? How the hell did I get here?
Take me home? Please just do it.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Day 2
Of course my today was not better than yesterday. However, I did get a good 8 1/2 hours of sleep which was lovely. My day wasn't actually that bad, it was just a drag. French took over my life as usual and made me want to kill myself (not actually.. but a little bit). I have so much to do in these next few weeks its not even funny. I have to learn my duet with Jamie, Chamber Choir auditions, extended essay, French (we're taking a practice AP exam).... preparing Drama Ensemble auditions, our Drama Ensemble show (History Boys), and normal school.
Something good though: in 24 days I will be in Turkey and in 27 I will be in Lebanon!!! Finally. Oh I miss Lebanon so much. We haven't been there in a few years because of the situation. I cannot wait to see my family. I miss them so much. I miss that city. I miss the way it smells. I miss having everyone ever there. Everyone of my cousins (I have over 45..), everyone of my aunts and uncles. My grandmother's cooking. I miss so much. I cannot wait. I will finally get to escape from this room. Thank you.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Day
The universe really seems to be against me. Today has just been one of those days where all you want to do is sit in a corner and cry. You want to cry so badly but you are too tired to. You are so tired that you physically cannot move. So instead of getting that longed for emotional release, you sit in you chair because even moving your fingers across the table takes too much energy. I cannot believe it is only Tuesday. Please let me make it through the week alive. Let me start from the beginning...
The second I got home yesterday, I did not care if the world blew up so long as I could take a shower. All I wanted was to scrub my body clean of that day and get on with life. Rehearsal had just been so long and torturous as we are repeatedly doing exhausting runs. I got in the shower and scrubbed my body as hard as I could, wanting to be clean and done, leaving my skin raw. I then ate dinner, taking my time until I found myself at 9:00 without having touched my homework. What a perfect day to have to prepare for two tests.
Because of my wonderful time management skills, I was up all of last night studying. I studied French until midnight, then woke up at 5:00 AM to study math. In addition to just studying math, I had to catch up on a bunch of math homework to turn in, which ended up consuming my entire day. 5 hours of sleep would have been fine if I had not been getting 4-5 hours of sleep for the entire previous week. I really must work on my sleep patterns... I'm sure Tumblr doesn't help.
After waking up and finishing my math work, my Dad yelled at me and made me take 10 pills (vitamins, calcium, iron, vitamin D) because he is convinced that I am a malnourished stick of a girl which is so untrue. After nearly vomiting from the awfulness of the previous task, I got on the bus and proceeded to study more French. My French test was fine.. so I think. You never really know with theses things. We shall see....
The rest of my day was spent studying for math. The only thing I ate all day was a bagel until around 2:00 after my physics class was over and I finally had free. By then, my body was too tired to move and I spent 15 minutes whimpering trying to muster enough energy to get some food. I finally decided that what I needed was a freshly baked, melted, chocolate chip cookie. I was convinced that it would solve all of my problems (it did help significantly). After loading myself up on junk I did some tech before school ended which was fun and could have been more enjoyable if I could actually move my body..
Then I had 4 hours of rehearsal. Oh where to begin... The fact that I couldn't breathe thanks to the two ace bandages constricting my chest was oh so pleasant. In attempt to better resemble the boys that we are playing, many of us have to bind our chests to make us look more boy-like. The only bad thing is that I can't breathe... at all... expanding my ribs in any way is so painful. I can feel my heart trying to beat against the bandage and my ribs actually compressing. Oh so pleasant. For 4 whole hours. Oh what joy. Our director decided to reblock the beginning and the ending of the show... which she has redone about 10 times already... Oh well. It'll end up great. I do trust her. I also do like this beginning/ending more than I did the one before it, so I can't really complain.
Oh it has just been such a long day. This post is basically me just complaining my ass off. With awful grammar, but really, who gives a flying fuck? Now I'm just going to watch tv, eat a cookie, make tea, and go to bed early at 10:00. Please let this day be over..
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Hello faithful readers/followers. You all read my obscure thoughts.. but I thought I would help you get to know me better by giving you the basics/little facts about me. My name is Zena. I am 16 years old. I am a junior in high school. I love in Los Angeles. I love showers, peace, Hair, sundresses, breakfast, nutella and orange juice. My favorite movie is the 2007 British Death at a Funeral. (Not the American 2010 version which is horrendous). I am currently reading Angels in America and Great Expectations (the latter for English class). I am currently working on a play called The History Boys. We open in a 11 days. Come see us if you can! I will post more about it later... My favorite celebrities include Sutton Foster, Jonathon Groff, Gavin Creel, Neil Patrick Harris, Aaron Tviet, Steel Burkheardt, Kacie Sheik, Allison Case, and James McAvoy. I spend all of my time at school between classes and rehearsal (I was there for over 12 hours on Friday) but I love it. Guilty pleasure TV shows are Gilmore Girls and Friends (along with the occasional Dawson's Creek spisode). Favorite show currently airing is probably How I Met Your Mother or Raising Hope (both are very funny).
Please. I just want to leave. I just want to go away for a very long time. I want to leave everything behind. Every possession, every thought, every person and just leave. I want to be alone far far away from here and just experience the magic of the life I have been given and this world. Far away. I don't want to be in school every day. I want to be breathing and living. Not crushed under a growing pile of tests and homework. Please, just let me go.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I adore my school, but sometimes I question... Is it worth it? I slave away. I get good grades but I work all night long. Yes, I procrastinate, and yes I watch TV, but I work my ass off. I know it is worth it. I just. These are supposed to be my great years, and I am up until 2 am writing essays or studying physics. Yes I put it on myself by taking four APs but still. I would rather learn for the sake of knowledge rather than getting As. I wish I could take more electives that I find interesting than normal APs (although I love my classes). I cannot wait until college. My college list is so ambitious though. We shall see.....
I adore you all. I really do.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
This post is long overdue, so I apologize in advance for its length. So much to say... Where to start?
A few weeks ago, my class went on a "kindness retreat" because according to the rest of the school, our grade is made up of bitches and we all hate each other. (This, in fact, is not the case. Apart from a group of ten girls, our grade is pretty friendly). The retreat was actually fun and those ten girls were civil. I was impressed. There we all set up little "mail boxes" and we all wrote each other cute little nice notes. I got so so many kind ones and I simply adore every person who gave me one and brightened my day. My favorites included my best friend writing me Hair and Rent lyrics and three incredibly thoughtful notes reading:
- You are such a genuinely sweet person. I've only ever heard you say nice and friendly things. I cant help but smile when I see you! (Written by a wonderful girl that I never get to talk to and don't know too well)
- You are perfect, really. You're smart, talented, beautiful, funny, and 100% original. You're my best friend, no matter what. Know that your conviction and sense of self make me want to be a better person. (this not made me more happy than I can say. I love the girl who wrote this and her amazingly sweet note left me smiling all day. I love her all the more for this note).
- You are a great actress, I love your voice. Remember us when you're a star :) (This note was sent anonymously and was the best surprise in my bag of kindness)
Secondly, if anything has taken over my life in the past few weeks, it has been thinking about college. Oh I have so many schools on my list! (Half of which I most likely will not get into, seeing as it is nearly impossible to do so. I don't mind though. I adore my safety schools and therefore don't see the need to apply to more likely schools that I only half like (instead of very difficult schools that I love as much as I love my safeties). I would rather get into one GREAT school than five okay schools. I still have a lot of narrowing down to do seeing as my list has 21 schools on it... Oh college....
Today I had an amazing day. It was actually great. (Sorry this post is jumping around so much). I woke up early and went to breakfast at John O' Groats (always great). It is such a nice homey place. I always see someone I know there. My favorite breakfast place by far. Today I saw two of my friends' dads having breakfast there together... interesting. There are a bunch of tables there, as well as a counter (basically in the form of a bar with stools). I love sitting at the bar, and since I was alone it made perfect sense to. I ended up seated in between two men. The first one was pretty chatty with me.. As I sat down, he saw the giant college book I was holding and talked to me for 10 minutes straight about schools, his children, his wife, his niece, and more schools. He was interesting.. However, my favorite interaction that morning occurred between the second man and myself. After the first man left, the second man peered over his newspaper and said in a very high pitched, mocking voice, "So you want to talk about colleges? No, the girl doesn't want to talk about colleges. She is eating her biscuit and that's all that matters to her". He was too right, seeing as John O'Groats biscuits are to. die. for. I then went and saw Barney's Version which was a good, entertaining movie (aside from a few slow parts). I then went home and had dinner with some family friends (a man my dad went to high school with, his wife, and their two children of ages 3 and 1). The children were adorable! His wife, as most Lebanese women are, is shallow, loud, and talks nonstop. However, she is nice enough and is quite thoughtful. I then proceeded to walk with my dad for an hour and a bit in the rain. I am now on tumblr and watching Criminal Minds. A good close to a good day. :)
If you actually read all of this, I am impressed. You get major Zena points (which may prove to be quite valuable..). You are awesome, oh beautiful, dedicated reader.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
WHY CAN'T I BE ON BROADWAY?? WHY CAN'T I JUST BE ON BROADWAY? WHO THE HELL FREAKING SAYS THAT I CAN'T BE ON BROADWAY (besides me of course). I just want this. Why can't I have it? Why can't it be mine? Why is it so so far away from me and where I am right now? Why can't it be my dream? And why can't it come true? I don't care if I have NO TALENT. I still want to be on broadway more than life. Why can't this just happen already?
Friday, January 7, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
As a continuation of my last post.... My dad just came home. We had a pretty great conversation.
Dad: I'm going to walk later. You are welcome to come if you want to. If you don't want to ... you will be a skunk, but you're still welcome.
Me: A skunk? This is a new development...
Dad: I know! An exciting new development (walks off smiling, thinking of this new development, and laughs aloud 1 minute later).
Note: This will be a mega post..
Yesterday, I went walking with my dad, as I do a lot. The difference is that yesterday, I had so so many amazing moments with him. If you know my dad, you know he can be a pretty funny bloke. I honestly think he is my favorite person in the world. Yesterday.. I don't know.. felt really nice. Some of the quotes included:
Me: So.. what do you want to talk about?
Dad: I don't have anything to talk about. Ask me questions and I'll answer.
Me: What's your favorite animal? (a question I have asked multiple times and know the answer to)
Dad: How many times are you going to ask me this?! A cow, an orangutan, and a donkey. See, people like horses, but I like donkeys better.
Me: Yeah. You always go for the under dog
Dad:... the under donkey.. (ha.ha.ha.)
Me: Yeah.. either the underdogs or the villain
Dad: That's right. The villains are always misunderstood.
Another lovely moment occurred while watching TV:
TV: (something something something) hook, line, and sinker.
Dad: Isn't it hook, line, and snooker?
Me: Dad... there isn't such a thing as a snooker... and no.. its sinker. I'm sure the guy on the TV knows what he's talking about...
-- Dad proceeds to look up hook, line, and snooker on the internet, finding no results. He then looks up snooker, finding that it is something to do with a type of game similar to pool---
Dad: See. There is such thing as a snooker. I rest my case.
The last of these fabulous encounters that I'm going to share happened at Ralph's. We were picking up some bread for dinner at 6:30 because my mom thought that one loaf would be enough for 12 people... which obviously isn't true. Our guests were to come at 7:00 (even though they came at 7:30 and 8:00... leaving me to die of starvation...) so we were in a bit of a rush. In the car, we saw a couple who was pulling out of their parking spot after making out for a really long time... My dad said..:
Dad: Lucky they can drive.. as they say in harry potter, they have been.. wait. What's the word they use in harry potter when Percy makes out with that girl? (and yes, my dad has read harry potter up through the 5th book)
Me: .. Snogging. It's what they use in England.
Dad: Snogging. Thats right. And here it's smooching... right? See. Your dad knows the lingo here.
As if that wasn't enough of a treat, there was much more to come.
While picking up bread, we found that they were out of the bread that we like. I proceeded to pick up a sliced loaf of olive bread (I love olive bread) and give it to him. He refused my loaf. When I asked him why, he said it was sliced. I then stared at him for a good 5 minutes until he defended himself saying "it was a matter of principle". No sliced bread for us.. After we left the store, (with an unsliced loaf of olive bread in hand), I cracked a joke..:
Me: Look at the two of us. We're the bread winners of the house!
Dad: Eh... not exactly winners....
Me: Nooo! It was a joke. Get it.. Bread - winners?
Dad: No. I don't get it. I'm awfully dull and can't understand my 16 year old daughter's jokes...
I love my dad for obvious reasons.
Some quick things before I go.. SHIT. I MISSED 11:11 ON 1/1/11! Thats ok... I'll get it tonight. Ok. Some things before I go:
- I'm getting my permit on monday!
- I have to watch some movies for school and so some work.... I really need to get on that seeing as we go back in 2 days....
- History Boys..... what up.....
- Pretty little liars starts back up on monday... what? it's not like I watch it or anything... jeez...
- I have become addicted to House MD. and Misfits.
- I. LOVE. SEXY. SIMON.
And happy new year to all of you. I hope it's full of happiness, good health, success, and prosperity.
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