Tuesday, December 29, 2009

September 24, 2009

I'm sitting on my mommas bed
And I look into our back garden
And I see a squirrel about sixty feet up in the air
Scampering across five branches per second
And I wish with all of my heart that I could do the same
But I am just so light headed
So so so so very light headed right now
And my feet are so heavy
Just so so so very heavy right now
But if I were to be up there with Mr. Squirrel
My disoriented body would surely cause me to fall
The second I arrive at the top
And gravity will drag my heavy feet down the trunk of the tree
while my light head slowly and gracefully glides down the surface of the bark
Until my entire body is implanted in the mulch at the base of the tree.
And slowly but surely, my body will seep into the earth that created me
As my soul slowly floats towards the sky
And as my body sinks into my mother earth
It will be sheltered in her womb of soil
And her fresh water springs, her nebah, 
will fill her impregnated stomach and serve as amniotic fluid
While the roots of her trees will connect to where my belly button once was
And become my umbilical cord, my lifeline.
And I will have paid my debt back to my mama
And returned to her the body which she gave to me.
And as my body seeks its rest
My soul will slowly and every so carefully fly to the boarder of the universe
Where all that exists meets the end of everything tangible
And When It reaches this wall it will join it
Along with every other soul that has ever existed
To create a not so lonely belt of souls at the edge of the universe
And thus I will have finally found the peace that I seek daily.
And I will slowly Await my rebirth.

I am not sure of the date.
I think It all started 
It all ended
It all started
It all. happened.
on September 24, 2009.
But I'm too tired to get up
and look at the calendar 
to check

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The English Language

The Oxford Dictionary knows what every single word in the world means. But I hate the knowing. I hate the defining. For once, I just want to stay in that place of not knowing where everything is perfect and my brain isn't involved. But the second I take that damn dictionary out and try to make everything logical, my life gets forced and unnatural, and I can't breathe any more. I can't breathe because of those damn walls that my brain puts up. I just want to not know. I just want to relax, and not know, and breathe. I want to thrive on those black floors, not knowing at all, and just being and being and being. Why can't the universe just. let. me. be.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Black Walls

The floor and I are friends.
I trust it not to fall out from under me.
I trust it with my body
and my weight.
and my back.
And it trusts me to hold it down.
It can carry my weight when I
am too weak to carry anything else,
In otherwords, every day of my life.
The only thing that i have complete faith in
and can trust with my whole entire soul.

Cat Eyes.

I can feel my spleen inside of me. 
Its moving around. and slimy. and weird.
I don't even know what spleens are or what they do.
I know my liver, and my panchreas
but what the hell is my spleen for?
But I can feel my spleen moving.
I hope it finds what its looking for
so it can stop crawling around my insides.
Like a gross slimy green gross sluggggg.


The Beatles tell the truth.
And I love them for that.
They might be the only ones.

I've Come Home From So Far.

All I wanted,
all I want actually,
Is to Be Ok.

And, I think 
That I finally am,
At this exact moment in time,
Somewhat Ok.

And that is all that I, 
Or anyone for that matter,
Really needs.

Just to be ok.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

The Market

Wrath - Check
Greed - Check
Sloth - Check
Pride - Check
Lust - Check
Envy - Check
Gluttony - Check

I am going to hell.
I will never get to see my mother in heaven.

Saturday, December 19, 2009


I keep looking for lyrics that speak to me.
And then I forget how the song goes.
So I curse the damn lyrics
 and search for another song.
And I keep looking 
but I have no idea what to look for.
So I keep thinking
until I know what I need to find.
I get onto Facebook.
And spend an hour scrolling down my wall.
Until I hit April 2009.
And find the five words 
that I have been looking for 
for the past three and a half months:

Happy Belated Birthday!!! miss you!!
- Guru.

The only five words that I have.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

5,000 Parcels

I don't want to write anymore.
Because I'm sick of writing.
And I don't want to work anymore.
Because I'm sick of working.
And all I want is to feel grass on my neck.
And my back.
And cold on my damn face.
And that's the one thing that I can't have.
The. one. thing.

Seize The Day

If I leave Peyton Sawyer.
Then I'll never see Peter again.
Who makes my life so much easier.
Every thursday when he comes.
He's leaving on a red eye tonight
straight from our house to washington.
And if I leave I'll never talk to him again.
He doesn't know it, but he's the one I will miss most.
Because he is the one that I will never talk to again.
And he's the one that I'm secretly in love with.
Just like Her and Doug.
Even more than She loves Doug.
I love Peter.
And when he knocked on the door tonight
I was in leggings and an old pajama shirt.
With white face wash all over my face.
And a bun on the top of my head.
And I was home alone with him.
And he talked to me for 10 minutes straight.
With no one watching.
And I'll never tell him how amazing he is.
Because he's engaged.
And if I leave. 
I'll never talk to him again.
Because he's 29.
And I'm 15 going on 16.
And I knew we were meant to be
When he started singing the Fantastiks 
During my sister's math lesson.
And he didn't even know it was my favorite musical.
And I'm 15 going on 16.
I secretly with i was 28.






Rust is vegan.
And she's brave.
Because if I don't have chocolate
Then I don't have a coping mechanism.
And my rib's can't carry the weight.
But hers can.
And I like cows.


The only person 
who I really want to read this
is Bauer.
But I'm too scared
to give her

The Nutcracker

Sandra Cisneros knows
That her mom smells like bread
and there are rats
and Sally
and Nenny doesn't care.
And her dad, is there.
And there's pinapple juice.
Mixed with coconut 
and other fruitlike things.

But I can't pinpoint anything in my life.
And I don't have saddle shoes like Sandra does.

One Cell in the Sea

It's not my knees.
Its my ribs.
and my knees.
and I can't write in my journal.
because it's blank
and its staring at me
with its orangeish paper.
And my ribs are too weak to carry the weight.
She's so heavy.
Except I don't want her.
I can't want her.


I've Gotta Have You

The Weepies.
Make sence.
They induce weeping on my part.
And the world spins madly on.
And induce should be spelled with an E.
Skrew it.

The Cat - I need my Plastiques.

I need my drama class back.
I wish I had a damn time machine.
So I could work with my knees.
Its my knees.
Just like Allie and her wrists.
And Schuyler and her amazingness
That I'm secretly so jealous of.
And it's only doubts that we're counting.
My damn knees.

Polar Ice Caps

I just can't think
and there's a puzzle in the room
sitting next to me
that I'm just too lazy to do
and my knees are locking.
and its stupid.
Just like Darwin's theory of evolution.
And arctic rabbits that show up on tests.
Who look so sweet, but you don't know
why their fur is black.
So you write because of the cold.
And Sjoberg doesn't even give you partial credit.
Stupid Arctic Rabbits.
I thought you were my friends.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

30 Rockaffeler Plaza

And it hurts in my knees.
And it hurts in my ankles.
And it hurts in my lungs.
And my heart keeps pumping.
It pumps so fast.
And I keep running.
I just keep running.
I keep running 
and i never look back.
And I keep running but 
I don't know why.

An Indian in the Cougars Nest

Life sucks.
and we're stuck here.
to deal with the mess that was thrown at as.
but its not my mess...
and meanwhile, 
all of the cougars 
being to nest.

Four Little Tear Stains of Mine

Four Skinny Trees

They are the only ones who understand me. 
I am the only one who understands them. 
For skinny trees with skinny necks and pointy 
elbows like mine. Four who do not belong here but are here. 
Four raggedy excuses planted by the city. 
From our room we can hear them, but Nenny 
just sleeps and doesn't appreciate these things.

Their strength is secret. 
They send ferocious roots beneath the ground. 
They grow up and they grow down 
and grab the earth between their hairy toes and 
bite the sky with violent teeth and never quit their anger. 
This is how they keep.

Let one forget his reason for being, 
they'd all droop like tulips in a glass, 
each with their arms around the other. 
Keep, keep, keep, trees 
say when I sleep. They teach.

When I am too sad and too skinny to keep keeping, 
when I am a tiny thing against so many bricks,
then it is I look at trees. When there
is nothing left to look at on this street. 
Four who grew despite concrete. 
Four who reach and do not forget to reach.
Four whose only reason 
is to be and be.

  - Sandra Cisneros
The House on Mango Street
Page 74

The Nest Full of Eggs

When I breathe my lungs swell.
According to Boyle's law:
When volume increases
Pressure decreases.
Air flows from areas of high pressure
To areas of lower pressure.
And we breathe with our swollen lungs.

More Adventurous - Rilo Kiley

Time On Your Side - Emily Jane White


I decide to go jogging
because of all of the stress eating 
that I have done this week
and the chinese food I had for lunch.
I go running for an hour, then come home
and find a box of chocolates on the dining room table.
I decide to eat them as a reward for running.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Pieces of Glass

and Leo.
and Matthew.
and the other Matthew.
and James.
and Matt.
Are all just figments of my imagination.
Which are just made out of pictures
which are all just made of nonsense
and stuck up into my brain where they hide.

But why is it that they seem more real then everything outside?
The only safe place is indoors
inside of my head
inside of my thoughts
which are all made out of


I can never choose what to wear.
So I decide that it doesn't matter.
Who cares what I look like anyways?
I throw on a pair of jeans,
and then proceed to spend 
the two subsequent hours
doing my hair.

I'm Not White.

I'm Ethnic.

Time on Your Side

she's a dancer
 when she dances she is free
and three in the morning
 and the clouds rise in the east to
frank sinatra which her parents put on repeat, 
on repeat. 

- Emily Jane White

Love Me

How do you know 
if you've found it,
If you don't even know
what your looking for?

More Adventurous

And if my brain quits, well I guess then that's just it
And if my hands stop working you can call me lazy
And if I get pregnant, I guess I'll just have the baby
Let it be loved, let me be loved

I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For me to be saved and you to be brave 
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved

- Rilo Kiley


Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me, please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken heart.

- Ingrid Michaelson


Times have changed to the point where I don't have time to go outside every night to smell the fresh air. Life is now defined as school and homework. Nothing is desirable about this life. I don't have time to read anymore, or spend hours on end with my family. I stay locked up in my room doing school work. And I never have a chance to smell the air outside. Instead I open up my window and pray for a pitiful breeze to bless me with its presence. 

Monday, December 14, 2009

Change: Story of My Life

Peyton Sawyer was right 
when she said that people always leave. 
I just never though that I would be doing the leaving.