Thursday, March 24, 2011
I know you really want to cry right now, even though you can't. I understand, really I do. There have been so many times when I was just so desperate to feel something that I just forced tears and wouldn't stop until I was sobbing. Don't hate me for this.. but maybe you should be happy that you're not on the floor sobbing. That you don't have something that is making you sick with tears.
I was like you for most of my life. I Didn't feel like I was capable of feeling anything. I was convinced I had no emotions. I would force laughter and tears. Then I took a series of theater classes at my school and I was able to open up my emotional receptors. I found myself slowly gaining feeling, and suddenly feel everything all at once. I learned how to let those scary emotions in. After a year and a half of this emotional work I felt really ready to open up to the world. "Here I am World! Take my complete self!". It was right then, when I was the most open I had ever been, the most vulnerable, that one of my best friends died of cancer. And I felt everything. Every ounce of grief and sadness, every tear, every single emotion (even those that I didn't know existed). I no longer had my shield and that hole in my chest that I had spent so long building was letting all of my emotions rush through my body and manifest themselves. I was such a mess. And yes, it was great to feel, but also so painful and heart wrenching. It is the most emotion and sadness that I have ever felt in my tiny existence.
I am not saying don't try to feel. What I am trying to say is.. maybe be happy that you have nothing to sob about. Treasure the times when you're not on the floor, sick to your stomach because of the grief you are feeling. My friend died last year and it still hurts. Sometimes I can't even believe it happened... But treasure the good. The laughs. Don't spend your time trying to force yourself to cry when you could be stunning the world with that beautiful smile of yours. Happiness comes and goes. Grab it when you can.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The best shows are the ones that leave you speechless and utterly inspired. That is exactly how Hair left me feeling, as did the Laramie Project (though not a musical, just a straight play). It's those few, magical hours when I'm sitting in the audience watching such shows or acting/singing/dancing onstage that I feel more alive than ever. Sometimes I feel like the only way I can properly express my emotions is when I'm onstage. A bit sad, but worth it.
Five days until I get to board a plane and go to my home, far, far away. Four days until spring break. I am so ready for two weeks of peace. No school, no work, lots of sleep, no tests, lots of books, more tv than I could ask for, and escape. Sounds amazing to me.
I started watching the tv show Merlin. One of the best decisions I have made all week. The structure of the show reminds me of that of Dr. Who in the sense that each episode has a problem to solve, a new villain to stop, and mythical/magical aspects to it. Such a good show (although I am only on the 5th episode.
We had strike today. I adore strike more than I can say. It is one of my favorite parts of every show I do. I love tech and there is something so cathartic about ripping apart what you took weeks to build. I'm quite good with power tools/anything technical because I do so much of it, so our technical director let me do whatever I wanted and I got to handle some of the more enjoyable "heavy duty" work. How I Met Your Mother is on tonight and I have no homework. It's turning out to be a good day.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
My sweet, little sister,
I wish we connect more than I can say. Watching you breaks my heart. I don't want you to hate me or judge me. I just want us to accept each other before I leave and it's too late for us to ever be there for one another. You are all I'll ever have. How did we get here? Why are we like this. Why can't I even hug you without you asking why I'm reaching out to you? Why can't we be healthy for each other? I really do love you, no matter what you might think.
I feel so disconnected. I don't know what I want and I don't know how to vocalize my emotions. Thank god my best friend is telepathic. I feel so lost. I feel like I'm buried under piles of dirt and know one can hear my cries for help. CATCH ME I'M FALLING. PLEASE HEAR ME CALLING. CATCH ME BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. I will not slip away off of the face of this earth. I won't let myself. Be here, be present, feel the world around you. Just be. Please, just be.
I have so much to say, but no energy to say it. I feel myself slipping away and I'm just grappling for something to hold on to. I know that I'm all I need. I just. I don't want to feel like this. I want to be strong for myself. I know I can be. I just need to pull myself together. Come on Zena, pull yourself together. Please. So that you don't have to go through this any longer. Will yourself to be strong. I can do this. I can get through this. I know I can. I don't want to cry. I'm just so close. I have so much weight on myself. It just needs to be lifted. More than anything I just want to do a plastique but there are strangers in my house and I'm sitting huddled in a corner of my room. I have so much to come. I just have to get through this week. Then I can fly far, far away. I just don't want to sit here like this with nothing to do but cry. Don't break me. Why am I broken? How did I get here. I AM NOT BROKEN. No. I refuse. I mean it. I won't let myself slip into that. NO. no no no. I just want to go on living and breathing and being myself. Why are all of these strangers in my house?
I can't believe tonight is our last show. I have such a strong emotional connection with this piece and our cast. I don't want to let go. Letting go has always been hard. I just have to breathe and let it slide through my fingers. Holding on won't do me any good. This play has been amazing for me, I have learned more than I can say.
In seven days I will be leaving the country and going to Beirut for the first time in two years. I miss it so much. I used to go there so often. I cannot wait to see everyone, all of my family. Oh how I miss it. I need it back. It's such a precious part of me. I want that back.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I would choose him to raise a child. The truth is that I am (pretty obviously) in love with Aaron Tveit. He will never know.. but he will creepily star in every one of my dreams and make it possible for me to sleep at night. I adore him. This is so depressing. I really don't care though. I'll admit to it. I love Aaron Tveit.
Sometimes I can't believe it. She's been gone for over a year now. I'm still here. Guru died. It just seems unreal. It didn't really happen. She didn't really get cancer at age 15.
Sometimes I go to the park where she used to play basketball and just look at the pictures of her up on the wall. On my shelf at home a have a bottle of Tylonal that she asked me to hold in my purse for her one day. I’ve never touched it since.
No one gets cancer at 15. I'm not actually here breathing right now, am I? How did that happen and how am I still here? How did I get here? How the hell did I get here?
Take me home? Please just do it.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Of course my today was not better than yesterday. However, I did get a good 8 1/2 hours of sleep which was lovely. My day wasn't actually that bad, it was just a drag. French took over my life as usual and made me want to kill myself (not actually.. but a little bit). I have so much to do in these next few weeks its not even funny. I have to learn my duet with Jamie, Chamber Choir auditions, extended essay, French (we're taking a practice AP exam).... preparing Drama Ensemble auditions, our Drama Ensemble show (History Boys), and normal school.
Something good though: in 24 days I will be in Turkey and in 27 I will be in Lebanon!!! Finally. Oh I miss Lebanon so much. We haven't been there in a few years because of the situation. I cannot wait to see my family. I miss them so much. I miss that city. I miss the way it smells. I miss having everyone ever there. Everyone of my cousins (I have over 45..), everyone of my aunts and uncles. My grandmother's cooking. I miss so much. I cannot wait. I will finally get to escape from this room. Thank you.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
The universe really seems to be against me. Today has just been one of those days where all you want to do is sit in a corner and cry. You want to cry so badly but you are too tired to. You are so tired that you physically cannot move. So instead of getting that longed for emotional release, you sit in you chair because even moving your fingers across the table takes too much energy. I cannot believe it is only Tuesday. Please let me make it through the week alive. Let me start from the beginning...
The second I got home yesterday, I did not care if the world blew up so long as I could take a shower. All I wanted was to scrub my body clean of that day and get on with life. Rehearsal had just been so long and torturous as we are repeatedly doing exhausting runs. I got in the shower and scrubbed my body as hard as I could, wanting to be clean and done, leaving my skin raw. I then ate dinner, taking my time until I found myself at 9:00 without having touched my homework. What a perfect day to have to prepare for two tests.
Because of my wonderful time management skills, I was up all of last night studying. I studied French until midnight, then woke up at 5:00 AM to study math. In addition to just studying math, I had to catch up on a bunch of math homework to turn in, which ended up consuming my entire day. 5 hours of sleep would have been fine if I had not been getting 4-5 hours of sleep for the entire previous week. I really must work on my sleep patterns... I'm sure Tumblr doesn't help.
After waking up and finishing my math work, my Dad yelled at me and made me take 10 pills (vitamins, calcium, iron, vitamin D) because he is convinced that I am a malnourished stick of a girl which is so untrue. After nearly vomiting from the awfulness of the previous task, I got on the bus and proceeded to study more French. My French test was fine.. so I think. You never really know with theses things. We shall see....
The rest of my day was spent studying for math. The only thing I ate all day was a bagel until around 2:00 after my physics class was over and I finally had free. By then, my body was too tired to move and I spent 15 minutes whimpering trying to muster enough energy to get some food. I finally decided that what I needed was a freshly baked, melted, chocolate chip cookie. I was convinced that it would solve all of my problems (it did help significantly). After loading myself up on junk I did some tech before school ended which was fun and could have been more enjoyable if I could actually move my body..
Then I had 4 hours of rehearsal. Oh where to begin... The fact that I couldn't breathe thanks to the two ace bandages constricting my chest was oh so pleasant. In attempt to better resemble the boys that we are playing, many of us have to bind our chests to make us look more boy-like. The only bad thing is that I can't breathe... at all... expanding my ribs in any way is so painful. I can feel my heart trying to beat against the bandage and my ribs actually compressing. Oh so pleasant. For 4 whole hours. Oh what joy. Our director decided to reblock the beginning and the ending of the show... which she has redone about 10 times already... Oh well. It'll end up great. I do trust her. I also do like this beginning/ending more than I did the one before it, so I can't really complain.
Oh it has just been such a long day. This post is basically me just complaining my ass off. With awful grammar, but really, who gives a flying fuck? Now I'm just going to watch tv, eat a cookie, make tea, and go to bed early at 10:00. Please let this day be over..