HOW CAN I BE ON MY PERIOD AGAIN? I WAS ON MY PERIOD DURING THE BEGINNING OF EXAMS. IT HAS BARELY BEEN THREE WEEKS. HOW THE FUCK CAN I BE ON MY PERIOD AGAIN? THIS IS NOT OK. FUCK. THIS. SHIT.

ashes to ashes dust to dust
death is the only truth in life

Hi.
Hi there.

So.

I've been thinking...

Not about anything special.

Just thinking.

Aren't you proud of your girl?

I know I am.

Or I try to be.

Sometimes I'm not.

But thats okay.

I don't need to like myself all the time.

That makes it all the better when I do.

Was that grammatically correct?

I don't really care.

Just because I asked doesn't mean I care.

I usually don't care.

I just ask.

Which is all good and well for me.

I'm not here to please you all.

I don't put on make up to please you.

I don't worry about my weight to please you.

I don't put on heels to please you. 

I don't do things for you.

I do things for me.

So that I can like myself.

So that I can live with the decisions that I make.

I'm not here for you.

I'm here for me.

I'm not going to worry about you until I'm done worrying about me.

I'm not for you.

I'm for me.

Do you do things because you think they are right or because you want to?

I do things because I want to.

And hope that what I want happens to be right.

I have to live with myself and the things that I do.

I have to live with that.

So I have to let myself do the stuff that I want.

How can I live with myself if I'm living in denial?

I do what I want.

I feel what I want.

I eat what I want.

I believe what I want.

And hopefully, I get what I want.

Kisses,

Z

"For what's the sound of the world out there?
Those crunching noises pervading the air!
It's man devouring man, my dear!
And who are we to deny it in here?"

"The history of the world, my love
Is those below serving those up above!

How gratifying for once to know
That those above will serve those down below!"

- Sweeney Todd

 Hey....

So... this rain is fun.... and sitting on my ass watching House all day long is fun.... 

..... yeah..........

So..... um.... the water pouring out of the sky is kind of cool....

um......

yeah......................

.....so....... like......

.... yeah...

Hello my lovelies.

So... I'm just going to write about stuff in my life, because thats why we're all here...

Winter break. Woooooo! I love being a couple (and no, not a romantic couple... though... lets face it... we should be. and kind of are married). I love us baking cookies and staying up watching tv and being the same person but not and spooning. Because that is fun. 

So I went and saw the Tempest and the Landmark yesterday and it was really really good. It was really interesting to see Shakespeare's progression as a play write. The Tempest was his last play, and you could really see so many traces from all of his other work into it. I liked the film. I liked the actors. It was good. Just not... completely, 100%, meat eating, satisfying.

My cousin is coming from Lebanon tomorrow! Her name is Hena. I love her. I miss my people. I never ever get so see my people. My other cousin, Hiba (her sister), is coming in January for a few weeks so I'm also really excited for that. Its nice to have people.

Lots of reading. That is what is going to happen these two weeks. I have a bunch of stuff lined up that I'm really excited about. I also have to write my Guerin Scholar paper. I think I know who I'm going to write about... this is so exciting!

I am currently knitting (no I'm not.... I'm typing...) in my blanket watching Grey's and its raining and I just ate a bunch of Christmas cookies that I made earlier today with my wife. Life is good. Its nice to have that.

Journal

Yesterday I recovered a journal from 3rd grade. I was 9 years old. I thought I would post some of the entries as the are written in the journal. I could not stop laughing after I read them.

Dear Diery, 

Today we painted the house for moving, or should I say startid painting! The painters are going to come back tomorrow. I  am going to move from St. Louis MO to LA CAlaferya. I dont want to move away from all my frinds. 

- 5/13/03

Dear Diery, 

Today we really started to paint. Yesterday we just put on plaster. Mr. Wilis is our gardaner. He will make our gardin butiful so it will be more atractive. We planted lot of patunys. Their colors where purple, red, and pink. We also planted little lowers. There colors were pink, and white. Will my life be diffrent i LA? Will I have a new ruteen and invierment? Will I make friends right away? I have so many questions in life, some of them are about moving. I only wish I new all the ansers.

- 5/14/03

Dear Diery,

I am sooooooooooo sorry that I havint rote in you for a long time. I am on vacation to LA. We have a house it is soooo cool. I have my own room, bathroom, and a walk in closit! My room is the bigist, well not really. You see there are only 3 bed rooms. the master then the 2 bed rooms. Mine is bigger then my sisters, but she also gets a bathroom, but not a walkin closet. I reallyyyyyy like my room. LA is really funn and cool. We ar in the Dubble Tree Hotel. This is there simble. I will draw it the best I can. (insert awful picture of two trees) The school I am going to is west wood charter. I have only seen the ourside of it. School ends on June 19th and starts on Sept. 2. I am righting with a monky pen this is what it looks like (insert awful picture of a monkey).

- 6/18/03

There are no typos in these entries. That is how I spelled in 3rd grade. If you know me now.... it makes my awful spelling look good. At least I can spell the word monkey now... I hope this was happy for you all to read.

I'm not jewish, but this video makes me so happy!! I have literally been listening to it nonstop all day.

Stress

  These past weeks I have learned how much stress affects my body. I never noticed before but it is ridiculous. Not only does my period come during the most heavily stress-filled days of the year (and skips around my cycle like mad) (It came during chicago, then on the night of open studio, lasting though my ACT and exams) (lovely), but it also causes me to break out, and I lose weight. On my period I lose weight because of all my stress. You are not supposed to lose weight on your period! You are supposed to gain 3 pounds! I lost 5 pounds! Five freaking pounds. On my period. How does that work???? I hate hate this. I hate that my body as to synchronize with all of the stress around me. It just makes everything worse and so unpleasant and makes me want to die. (not really. but kind of yes really...). I want this to go jump off a cliff, far far away. now. thank you.

I adore this.

Day

Today was a really really good day. I went shopping and bought two lovely scarves, a sweater, 3 bottles of lotion, and a dress. I also ate chinese, watched lots of greys, and knitted. Very good wintery day. I love winter.

Thanksgiving and Everything

So right now I'm sitting on my bed in my newly cleaned room. I love having a clean room. Its really nice. I should keep it like this more often. It makes it such a happy place. Im in my coat and my scarf and my boots. I love my winter clothes. Today I went and saw Love and Other Drugs with Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal (beautiful man) that I've been wanting to see. It was good. (but lots of nudity). It was the perfect movie for today. It was so nice to get dressed in actual clothes that I like and just do something for myself. I got ice cream too. Peppermint. With pieces of peppermint candy mixed in. I love breaks. I love winter. I love this weather I love the cold wind on my cheeks so much. I just went on a walk with my dad and it was really nice. 

Im thankful for days like this where everything just falls into place

Im thankful for all of my amazing friends

Im thankful for izze

Im thankful for skye

Im thankful for phoebe

Im thankful for jamie

Im thankful for bauer

Im thankful for doug

Im thankful for johnny

Im thankful for the shop

Im thankful for intimate

Im thankful for upper dance

Im thankful for theater

Im thankful for Drama Ensemble

Im thankful for my amazing school

Im thankful that I get to eat 3 meals a day and sleep in an amazingly comfortable bed

and Im thankful for my wonderful family

Thank you to everyone who has made my life a place where I want to live.

I love you all to pieces.

Ok. I get it. You're busy. You have school. So do I. But I so  just want to go up to you and slap you in the face! It's like wake the fuck up! I don't even know who you freaking are anymore! I get that I can be annoying and repetitive. I'm not blind. But are you seriously going to act like that ALL THE TIME? I keep trying to engage you and you just SIT there. Its like open your eyes. Look at me, and ACTUALLY interact! Is that seriously too much to ask? Yeah you're busy. Well I've got some news for you: so. am. I. So just get off your ass and freaking try again already. Ok? Ok. Glad we worked that out.

Grades were sent out last week. I still haven't gotten mine. I really want mine. I also don't really want mine. 

... eeek.

Today is halloween.

I like candy.

I want to be wise. I want to know things, to have tasted things. Everyday I come home and sit on my ass pretending to do homework. No. I want to read. I want to eat. I want to travel. I want to find things I never knew existed and be astounded by their complexity and sheer magic.

I feel like I'm trapped inside my own little bubble that is school, my brain, my computer, and  my silly little excuse for a life. I don't want this, but I also don't want to get up and move on.

There is a comfort in the familiar, the ordinary, the knowing that I tend to thrive off of. I am so lazy, I never stand up and think for a SINGLE SECOND! It's amazing! It needs to change. Habit is so hard to break.

I have so much. Just so much in my body.

It feels like christmas. I want it to be winter and christmas and shopping and cookies and books and cookies and sweats and knit sweaters and boots and tea and pie. I want it to be. I already feel it and its not even halloween yet. 

I want my time. I want days where I am not immersed in school. I want days in winter to watch Friends and 30 Rock and Gilmore Girls. I want more tea. I want candy canes. I want socks. I want sweater dresses. I want scarves.

I want Schuyler and Phoebe and Jamie and Catherine and Newby and Everyone and winterfest. I want my sunday morning John O'Groats and movie with Newby. I want pajamas. I want to walk. I want to work in the shop and use power tools and eat chocolate. I want to do strike. I want to do our show, but only sort of. I want to do History Boys and not be type cast. I want to do that show so badly.

I want to eat pumpkin bread and apples and caramel and eat amazing food and just be in the moment. I want to do a plastique. I havnt done one in so long. too long. that was really important.

I want everything and nothing. I dont think i like wanting.

Sorry I haven't posted in so long. I've kept wanting to post, but every time I sat down at the computer, I somehow decided against it. It really is very sad. 

Lately I've been feeling so lost in this world. I feel like its all in my brain. Which it is.  But I don't want it to feel that way. Every one's world exists in their own heads. I see the world with my eyes, but everything is in my mind. Its such a scary thought. Every person is a person. Just like me. They think things and feel things and like... see things. I know it sounds so silly to say it like that, but it's so strange for me to think about it like that. I don't know.

Lately I've been thinking about the human body and the idea of dance, and sex, and bodies colliding as flesh and physics. When you're working with someone through your body where does the line stop between being two different people and being something bigger than yourselves. I started thinking about this mostly after the exercise we did in Drama Ensemble. 

We're also doing scenes in Drama Ensemble from Our Town, and all I can think about is how much I loved doing that play, and how important the story was to me, and still is to me. I love George and Emily so much. I miss those days of my life. I miss the show, I miss the chairs, I miss Rachel and Natalie and Abby and Liza and Sally. Its so funny sitting here in rehearsal as a junior and looking at the eighth graders. I remember how much I looked up to them. I can't even believe that I'm one of them now. It doesn't quite make sense. Oh well.

Life goes on.

Update

Hey guys. Just a little update on the goings on of my spectacularly interesting life. I'm not quire sure how long this post is going to be.... my computer only has 14% battery, and I'm too lazy to go get my "charger" (other wise known by the correct name of "power supply"), so I guess I'm typing until my computer decides to ditch me. 

Ok. So first thing's first. I am so sad that my Arabic class is over. It was just so much fun, and after it, I feel so connected to my culture and to who I am. I am so thankful that I get to feel that. I feel so complete. I have no idea why, but I just do, and its beautiful. If you walk down the street and ask someone what their race or ethnicity is, most will say: "I'm part Irish, part Scottish, part British, part German, and part Welch". Others will say: "Oh, I'm African American". But the thing is, they were European or African about 10 generations ago. Most of them have no ties to their old countries, speak their language, or practice their culture. Instead, they are simply American, no matter how much they hate to admit it. This is different for me. If you ask my my ethnicity, I can truly say that I am Lebanese. I have Lebanese citizenship, all of my family lives there, I visit on a regular basis, I am Muslim, I speak the language, and I have extreme political opinions about the goings on there. I really am Arab, and sometimes that can be very difficult, but I really view it as a blessing. I get to be Arab. I am lucky enough to be Arab, and I honestly could not dream of a better ethnicity to be. I adore being Arab, even though it can be really difficult living in America. If anything, American is only getting more anti-Islamic and anti-Arab. Also politically, I tend to disagree with all my friends. I side with Iraq on the subject of the war against terror, I side with Afghanistan, I side with Palestine, I've been boycotting Starbucks, Coca Cola, McDonalds, and Colgate for what they're doing in the Middle East. 

Anyways, on a different, lighter note, I am looking forward to so many great things coming up soon!!

A) Ramadan! Ramadan starts on the 11th of August this year, and ends September 10th. (Thank goodness it doesn't end September 11th, or else America would be covered with Muslims partying on September 11th..... Not a great idea). I am so excited!! The good news is that only 8 days of Ramadan fall during school (the first 8 days), so I won't have to fast too much during school which is good. The bad thing is that it will be during auditions for the all school musical... Another good thing is that I'm on my period now, which means that I most likely will be during the first week of school as well, meaning I don't have to fast then, so thats good. 

B) SCHUYLER!! It was your birthday yesterday!! And today it's your party! And I love you so much!! And I'm so excited that we basically have all of our classes together next year! You are one of my best friends ever and I would do anything for you. I love you so much. I love that you get me, and (not to quote rent..) "take me for what I am".  Love you girl.

C) And.... C is for ....... CHICAGO!!!!!! I can't even believe it!!! We are doing Chicago!! Chicago!! I can't even believe it!!! I am so excited!!!!! This is so crazy. I am in love with this show! It is one of my favorites, and I get to be in it! I GET TO BE IN IT! I also love that our Theater teachers listened to us when we begged to do it. They listened! They wanted to make us happy and made us happy! We are all so excited and we're all flipping out!!!! I am so so exciteded!!! I would be happy with ANY part in that show. Thats how good it is. Of course I'm dying to be in the cell block tango. Of course I'm dying even more to be Velma.... I can belt like no one's buisness, and I love belting more than anything, and to be able to belt my heart out on stage would be amazing. I also dance, and I feel like her part would be the most fun. I'm already praying to get her, but anything would be so amazing, that I wouldn't even be sad not to get her because I'm so excited about this show. Plus Ms. Bauer, Coach, Mr. Bro, and Ms. Iacuessa always cast everything perfectly, so I trust them 100%.

I also had oral surgery yesterday, and I now look like a chipmunk, which is always fun. It is so painful, but I don't even care because I am lucky enough to do Chicago in a month!!!!!!!!! Heck yes!

Also, (lastly) shout out to Johnny. Have so much fun in Scotland and break a leg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sure you will kick major ass.

A Few Things

Hey guys. Just a quick update. So first of all, the music video that my arabic class made is done!!! I'm so proud of our effort and work as a class. We only have three days left, and I'm going to miss it so so so much. 

Secondly, W.I.T.T.Y. LA is off to an amazing start. We've had a few rehearsals so far, which have all been very successful. We also got our website up and running (though there is still so much that needs to be added to it). Please check it out at: www.wittyla.webs.com

Thanks guys!

Last night I dreamed that my dad died, and I kept his body. I kept his body. And the doctor was there, and I was Rose, but me, at the same time. And the Doctor left me, because he had died too, but left me with a piece of the tardis. In the end he came back, only to discover that I saved my dads body. And then we shot some aliens.

pretty wonky dream....

And why has the Doctor been in every one of my dreams this week?! I have been shooting aliens like you would not believe!

I have no idea what it is with me and the world cup songs. I just love them! They all are so positive, uplifting, and filled with energy. I think that the world cup is amazing. It really brings the whole world together more than the olympics (or apart in some cases - Egypt and Algeria…). I love all of the spirit that I’ve been seeing. Its just amazing.

This particular song is in arabic and english. The arabic singer is Nancy Ajram, who is simply amazing. My arabic class is making a music video to this song that I’m really excited about. I’ll make sure to post it once we finish it. It’s all about unity and peace within nations (we’re doing arab nations), and pride for one’s country.

I absolutely love this song and video. No idea why. Its just great.

The Little Checkered Room

Right off of the side of a little girl’s room, there is a little white door. It is strangely smaller than all of the other doors in her house. When they first moved in, her parents told her that the small door was made especially for her. It would be a special room, for her use only. No one else would be able to enter, no matter how much they wanted to; only the little girl was small enough to fit through the door. Not a soul has witnessed the inside of this little room, other than the girl, and according to her, it is simply magical.

The curiously little white door leads to a little room, a little checkered room to be more precise. A little checkered room, where the floors are covered with little black and white squares, which like to dance on occasion, when the sun shines through the window and they think no one is looking. And inside of this little checkered room, there is a little black sink, which sits upon a little black cupboard. The sink and the cupboard are said to be the best of friends, and from time to time, can be caught chattering quietly and laughing to themselves. Beside the two friends rests a little black toilet. Across from the little black toilet there is a little pink shower, lined with little black tiles. The black toilet is quite the gossiper, and claims that the reason that the shower is so pink is that she is always blushing from embarrassment, though the cause of the embarrassment, he does not know. And next to the little pink shower, there is a little white bathtub. And inside of that little, perfectly molded white bathtub sits the little girl, singing.

This little girl, who is sitting in her little bathtub, does not use bathrooms traditionally. She is not bathing nor is she soaking in the water, in fact, there is no water running in the room at all (and there rarely ever is). The only sound that can be heard is the little girl’s quiet voice, singing a melody she heard on the television that day from a jingle advertising cotton balls. The little girl spends hours on end in her checkered room. Most of the time she is singing little songs that she heard on the radio to herself in the little mirror that stands above the little black sink. Other times she can be found taking naps on the fuzzy little black carpet that lies at the foot of the little black cupboard. The fuzzy little black carpet fits her tiny body perfectly on its soft surface, as if it was manufactured just for her. Occasionally she brushes her long curly black hair in the little mirror above the little black sink.

When she gets tired of her solitude, and starts to feel lonely, the little girl sits down on the little black cupboard and talks to her friend in the little mirror. Her friend is quite silent, but to the girl, she seems nice enough. At times the girl gets a bit annoyed with her friend, for she is constantly mimicking her and copying her hair styles. But regardless of her flaws, the girl loves her friend, for she always listens to what the girl has to say. It is comforting to know that there will always be someone there for her in her magical room, and that she does not always have to sit alone. The face in the mirror is the closest thing to a friend that the girl has ever known.

On rainy days, the girl takes a little warm blanket into her little checkered room, and sits in the little white bathtub, and simply thinks. She thinks of her wishes and goals, her dreams and her life, her aspirations, until the rain stops. And when the rain stops, the little girl walks up to the little black toilet, and pulls away the little white curtain that has been hiding her from the big green tress outside. She opens the little white window, and lets the smell of the big grey clouds flood into the room along with a big gust of wind. She knows it is time to go. She opens the little white door, and steps into her big beige room, sits at her big brown desk, and returns to her life, no longer a little girl, but a young woman. 

Daddy

Daddy,

I wanted to thank you for everything that you have done for me. You have been the most supportive, most amazing father a girl could ever ask for. I love our relationship, and I love that I get to be your daughter. I love our walks and the discussions that we have while we're on them. I love that I can tell you things that Mom would flip out about, and that you take them normally (ex: more than half of the upper schoolers drink and at least 10 people in our grade get high at school every day). And you just say, I thought so. I love that you challenge me to be a better person and to try as hard as humanly possible. I love that you love donkeys, when they are supposed to be stupid animals in the arab culture. I love that you are the smartest person that I know and that you know everything about everything. I love that you give me second chances. I love that you let me stay in Los Angeles. I love that you are going to help me through my years. I really appreciate everything that you do. Thank you so much Baba. 

Love 

Zena

Accomplishments

I was scared to write this post before, because I knew that people read it and judge me, but then I realized that this is my blog, and I should be able to write what ever I want to on it with out caring about who is reading this or what it means. 

I just wanted to make this post because I have been really proud of myself and my accomplishments this year, and what they could possibly mean for me. Ninth grade was really hard on me, and I thought that I would never recover (as the student that I was), but this year, I really got my act together. Second semester I got straight As, I'm going to take 3 AP classes next year and two honors, I'm going to be in Drama Ensemble, and I feel like I have finally found to secret to being the person that I want to be. The successful Zena, who gets what she wants by working toward her goals. 

Finding said "secret" or "key" took me a long time, but honestly, what I did was just revert back to 7th grade mode. In seventh grade I was so happy, and had such a thirst for knowledge. I got up every morning to look pretty for school, and ate breakfast, and actually took care of my self. So that is what I did. I started eating healthy, taking care of my body and mind, I started sleeping more, I was excited to go to school every morning. I walked into classes knowing everything I needed to know, and it worked. I got above a 95% on a majority of the tests that I took. So I have kept taking care of myself. I now see how important it is that I don't let myself go. 

I started SAT/ACT (depending on which one I choose to take) tutoring, and I did amazingly well on some portions of both. (meaning not english......). But now I have to chose which one to take. I did so well on the SAT math, but I did really well on the ACT science and reading comp. All I can think about right now is how much I want to get into Penn and go there, and study there, and I just want to make the right decisions that will get me there. I hope to God that I can get into one of the top schools of my choice. 

This summer I am so excited to be working with Skye and taking my arabic class and going on the Asthma bus. I am so excited to actually get down and work. Getting into stuff that I am so interested in and actually getting to skink my teeth into it. It is going to be so much fun and so interesting. I am also excited to live at Phoebes house. Which I am secretly planning to do. because I like her.

I feel like this post could just go on and on and on about my scholarly anxieties. But I think I will end it here. I have so much to prove, and I can't wait to get up there and show people what I'm made of.

NPH

Dear Neil Patrick Harris,

You are such an amazing man. You are beautiful, exceptionally talented, kick ass, and best of all awesome. Not only are you a great comedic actor, but you pulled off broadway too, and have mad an amazing name for yourself in the extremely tough business we call show. You are my idol. And I'm kind of in love with you. Just by the way..

Happy Birthday

Nine

um... yes.

this is going to be one overdue, super long, super random post.

1. when it comes to writing, I am a minimalist. Everyone tries to use big giant words when writing creatively, to make it sound descriptive. NO! no. no no. it doesn't sound good. You don't want to say, "her beautiful, glorious, golden hair flowed ever so smoothly, like water in a vast, expansive river, and glissenned like that of an angle, her blah blah blah I dont want to hear it!" simple. simple writing is the most beautiful writing in the world. no extensive unnecessary descriptions. simple is better. "her golden hair flowed" or better yet, i prefer "her golden hair flew" flew. like a bird. its nice. it leaves something up to imagination. but its like seriously? you dont need to be over descriptive to write nicely, actually, i really hate overdescriptive poems and stories. it really annoys me. 

2. it is definitely wrong how much i love neil patrick harris. every one is like.. seriously? but he's so gay! well i don't care! he is amazing and kick ass and awesome. and i want him to be my best friend. and i love barney stinson. especially in that one episode where he pretended to be married to lily and when he was with robin. barney stinson is amazing. and so is NPH. 

3. it's summer. it's actually summer. summer is actually here. i am so happy. i think. pretty much. its summer. but i only have two years of high school left. where did my childhood go? where did everything go? i miss when my sister would sneak around every night to get a midnight snack. now all she does is convince herself that shes not hungry. she used to eat oreos all the time. every picture we have of her, she had oreo crumbs on her face. she was so cute. where did things start to go wrong with her? 

4. just to clear the air: i love my sister so so so much. she just doesnt love my family back. and if she does (which im sure she does on some level), she does her best to hide it. it gets so difficult and tiring to deal with her when all she does is yell at me and mom. its like she melted moms backbone. only my dad can get to her. and me on occasion. i dont know why she treats us like she does. i know that on some level she cares, but she has been working on hiding who she truly is and what she really feels for years, to the point where she cant even be nice to us. her whole life is a show. i know she suffers. i know that more than anyone else. but its gotten to a point where its just too much to handle and to do and to ... everything.

5. i really hope that people dont read my blog. i mean. like. i love having one, but i dont want it to be a thing. my blog is for me. other people can read it of course, but i dont want it to become a thing at my school or something. i hope to god no 8th graders or sevies read this. its all really personal. i might change my url.

6. i wish that this year my dad had decided to move to lebanon.

7. i hate that people go to such great measures to lose weight. it really upsets me. she should love herself for who she is, and be proud of herself. i am proud of who i am, and i would never change a thing. she doesnt believe in God anymore. i dont know why. i wonder what made her change her mind. i can't imagine living without believing in God, or believing in something. she doesnt even believe in herself, so i have to believe in her twice as hard. once for me, and once for her. 

8. i flushed the pills down the toilet.

9. How i met your mother is really good. like really really good. like good enough that i come home to it every night and it fixes things. its nice to fix things.

I think its time.

I am so tired of moping. I am so ready to be happy and summery. I'm just ready. I want to be happy! And alive! And you know what, get ready because I am determined to be. I am going to rock out to life and just be awesome, so try to stop me! I am so tired of just sitting around and feeling sorry and sad because, that is so not healthy for me right now. I need to be up and awake and alert and just soak up life (and the sun.. but thats a different story). So get ready world. I'm just ready. So unbelievably ready. Just you try to come and and get me. 

The Book Theif

Dear Middle School Play girls, 

I feel inclined to publish a post about the middle school play. In short, it was fantastic, and left me sobbing. All of the acting, all of the emotion was so real, which can be difficult to achieve. Girls, you were simply fantastic. You are all so beautiful, amazing, and talented. Every one of you. You should all be immensely proud of yourselves and your work. I am so happy that I could be involved in the show (all of your hair looked fantastic ladies), and I'm so happy I got the chance to get to know most of you. When walking into the theater I never would have guessed how amazing your production was. I can not wait for all school and to be able to work with some of you guys. I am so excited to see it again tonight and see you guys work your magic. 

So much love, 

Zena

...... so I kind of got a tumblr. 

http://be-ok-nala.tumblr.com/

sorry guys.

Birthday

16? really? crazy........

My mom is the sweetest thing. I got home, and there was a little box out side of my room with a beautiful little pearl necklace that I vow to wear on my wedding day, if i get married. and then i walked into the kitchen, and she baked me a cake, and laid out a bunch of chocolate and made me dinner. she is so sweet it makes me want to cry.

Also, my old neighbors from St. Louis gave me a kick ass history of theater book. im suck a geek, i know.

shout out to:

- Jamie: awesome and delish rainbow cupcakes. thanks baby girl!!

- skye: for decorating my not top locker. love ya

- therine: the tots, and the awesome amazing card

- doug: ... the texas song

- phoebe: for amelia airfart comments on my wall and for being you

- newby and nette for many birthday wishes

- finn lohman: chicago!

thanks guys. you rock my world.

i think im going to go eat some cake right now... and do my bio lab... and revise an essay.

:)

Glee.....

hey guys... so im somewhat ashamed to admit that i auditioned for gleee..... if you guys could give me a gold star that would be great though! if you go to http://www.myspace.com/gleeauditions scroll down a bit right under the promo video and search Zena under gleeks, im the one with out a picture, and click on me, and give me a gold star, that would be awesome my goal is to get a callback... but my videos are super crappy... but it was just for fun thanks so much guys!!! xoxooxox

Reality Check?

You never see it. You just turn around one day, and there it is, boom! in your face, right there, where its always been. You just never saw. And then everything starts to change. At first slowly, then faster, and faster until you get lost in the blur, and you can't hide who you are anymore. 

Here I Am World. This Is Me. 

Its amusing, observing myself. I am so shallow and spacey. I never concentrate, I do as little work as possible to get by, and the only thing that I really care about is myself and my happiness. Its just so funny, because I always make such big deals out of things that aren't. I kind of want to move to the woods. Just so that I can see how many days I survive alone without any resources. I would probably get eaten by a bear. Hah. 

What the bear doesn't know is that the joke's on him. I don't have too much meat on my bones. 

A bunch of random shit

So basically, last night I had the most amazing dream of my life. My school, went on a trip to all over africa, india, and china for two weeks, stayed in nice hotels, but really explored the city, not just the nice parts, and it was amazing. In my life, I don't want to stay here. I want to leave and travel all over the globe. I really wish my dad had decided to move to lebanon this year, instead of staying here. Life should be an adventure thats not planned out, but culture has already planned out my future: go to college, go to medschool, get my medical internship, residency, fellowship, then actually become a doctor, then be a doctor and save lives. DONE. That is like.... what... 15 years of my life? I dont want to waste those. I want to take a year off sometime, just being somewhere else. Not studying abroad, but just being abroad. Being anywhere else but here. Ive revised my XD bucket list:

- Every year travel to two different continents

- Have a baby

- Live for a year by yourself in a foreign city that does not speak english

- Live for a year in a foreign city with my baby

- Fall in love

- Write a genuinely good book

- Be in one professional play

- Eat real chinese food from china

- Visit schuyler in china

- Actually live in lebanon

- Learn to cook amazing lebanese food from my grandmother before she dies (that wont be soon, but you never know)

- Visit every continent before I'm thirty

- Make life an adventure, every day

Note how get married was not on that list. I don't want to be too tied down. I don't know if I want to get married anymore. Only if I find someone who, just being around them, makes me want to fuse my life with theirs, will I ever get married. Right now, Im not sure that I want something that will last forever. At the same time.. im not going to make major life decisions at this moment. 

24 hour play festival. I really have no words. It was fun.... besides all of the.... not fun things...that  happened? Most valuable thing I learned? I am kick ass at stacking tennis balls on peoples hands. I mean, it was fun performing... but the process was not the most amazing experience of my life. It could have been a bit better. Thank God Lyric is so supah chill and let us sleep.

Letter Number Eight

um....... YES? I am so excited for next year and so happy that I got in, even though I got my letter two weeks after every one else. Next year is going to be scary and hard but so much fun. Super excited.

Letter Number Seven

I know this is super after the fact..... but SARAH KLEIN!!!

I love you so much! you are awesome and amazing and beautiful, and the best damn singer ever. Next year is going to be awesome

Riddle Answers

Hey Guys

So the answers to the two riddles from this week are:

1: He came home at 8:00 AM, the morning after he was to return

2: The man was interested in the frame that the painting came in

Yay........

I just really like puzzles like these. wooooooooo.....

College Tour Bitches!!!! See you in a week.

:)

AND I STILL DONT KNOW YET!!!

Letter Number Six

SARAH WHITE!! MY FITZY!!! IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! YOU WILL BE AMAZING AND KICK ASS IN DRAMA ENSEMBLE NEXT YEAR!!! I JUST KNEW YOU WOULD GET IN!!

Side Note:

I realize that I skipped letter number three, which was Millie's letter, but she did not want me to tell anyone, because she likes telling people, so I took that post down, but it will come up later!

I'm so proud of my girls!

Letter Number Five

DANA BENTON!!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! YOURE AMAZING AND AWESOME AND I KNEW YOU WOULD GET IN!! IM SO SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

ten millionth post today....?

The mail came! But no letter. I knew I wasnt getting one. But you know, I wanted one anyways. :)

Letter Number Four

JACKIE EMERSON!! YOU ARE AMAZING AND SO TALENTED!! I LOVE YOU TO DEATH!! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! I KNEW YOU WOULD GET IN!! YOU ARE GOING TO ROCK IN DRAMA ENSEMBLE NEXT YEAR!! (YOU ALREADY ROCK NOW)

Snail Mail

the mail is supposed to come by 4:08pm! I know I'm not getting a letter, but I still really really want one. I'm so angry at my situation! Its ok though. I can't really do anything to change it. Mail please come!!!!!!

Letter Numbah Three

MILLICENT KASTEN!!! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND A KICK ASS ACTRESS!! IM SO PROUND OF YOU!!

Letter Number Two

PHOEBE I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!! I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT!!! I LOVE YOU TO DEATH BABY GIRL!!! YOU ARE AMAZING!!

First Letter

YAY CHRISTINA!!!!!! IM SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!! PARTAYY!!

The Mail

Drama ensemble letters are coming. But I don't get a letter because I haven't told coach if I'm moving yet or not. I hate that my parents can't make a decision. Waiting for my letter (which I know is not going to come anytime soon) makes me feel like I'm waiting for a hogwarts owl. All the excitement and anticipation. I want to get in so badly! Just like I would if I was a wizard.  I wish I was a wizard. I also secretly wish that my parents had chosen to move back to lebanon for next year. I could have started an actually worldly, interesting life that meant something. Instead of sitting here on my computer typing about wizards. If I were to move to Lebanon next year, it would be the best thing that ever happened to me. Think about it. There is a whole world outside of our snobbish little country that thinks its simply amazing. It saddens me that I can't see my future ANYWHERE else. I know that I am at least applying to college in Lebanon. Who knows. Maybe then I will be able to lead my life as an adventure instead of as a chore. 

Its funny. Even though I know that my letter isn't coming, I still feel the need to wait next to the mailbox. Funny. I hope I stay. I hope I stay and get in. Or move to Lebanon. Or stay and get in, since I know my parents said no to Lebanon, and that it's not actually happening. 

I just want life to be purely awesome, and amazing.

I just haven't learned how to embrace it yet.

Daily Puzzle Round 2

Hey Guys. New Rule with the puzzles. I don't know how successful this will be (probably not at all), because not a ton of people read my blog. The new rule / thing with the puzzles is that once you think you know the answer, comment on the post with what you think the answer is. The first person to correctly post the answer wins a prize! (most likely a crappy one like a hug or a shout out.) but who doesnt want a crappy prize?

Daily puzzle:

An art expert went to a sale and bought a picture he knew to be worthless. Why?

Hint:

He was honest and there were no crooked motives involved. He did not intend to take any action to make the picture more valuable. He would not have bought the picture if it had been rolled up.

Daily Puzzle 1

So I'm Going to start doing this thing. Where every day (in theory.. but probably wont end up happening) I'm going to post a logic puzzle, and at the end of the week (every saturday or sunday) I will post the answers. I'm going to start with easier ones, and progressively work my way to the harder ones. See if you guys can figure them out!

Todays puzzle:

A man called his wife from the office to say that he would be home at around eight o'clock. He got in at two minutes past eight. His wife was extremely angry at his late arrival. Why?

Hint:

She was angry because he was late. They had no particular appointment at eight o'clock.

Low key obsession.....?

I love phoebes Grumble Grumble.

grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.grumble grumble.

The Smile

There are so many times when I feel like I'm actually clinically insane. And its frightening. To think that you are actually crazy. But yet again, I don't think that it is ever possible to be completely sane, and if so, then what is the fun in it? No one is actually sane, and those who are are boring. Life is boring with out a little twist. But sometimes I feel like I'm given too much of one. Life can just be so complicated. I don't understand sometimes. How things can change people. I see it happen all the time. I mean, we all start as nieve (fuck spelling) babies with blank slates, and somehow all end up in completely different places. I'm not afraid of my mind. It's just full of surprises. I never quite know what to expect. The mind is such a scary thing. Take for example, people with multiple personality disorder. Or bipolar, or people who are distructive to themselves. 

I dont know. 

But I do know that I have a body. And that it functions well, and therefore fulfills its purpose as a body. It doesnt matter what it looks like! Its a body! It keeps my blood pumping, and my food digested, and thats all that matters! Bodies are beautiful but beauty is not the purpose of the human body. So be thankful that you at least have a functioning body! Its simply insane

And so am I

See you on the other side

(I have no idea what that means. It actually sounds kind of creepy. But seeing as Im insane,... I dont really care.)

I see funny pictures

La la la la la. Im so bored on spring break. I just might have cabin fever, or maybe even jungle fever not really. ahhahahaha. (not really). Drama ensemble letters are stressful for waiting for so is the knowlegde of waiting for the moving. I feel like I am high but I know that I'm not. lalalalla. Things are not right inside of my head yes and Im not sure how to make things better because things are the way that they are and for anyone who can actually make sense of this post i give them applause. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. phebus gets applause. the crowd goes simply wild. Did phoebe slip me something maybe? I think so. lalalala. IGNORE THIS POST. IGNORE ME. 

I will see you all after the insanity wears off. (I dont ever think it will).

Just typing

type. type. type. type. type. type. type. type.type. type. type. type. type. type. type. type.type. type. type. type. type. type. type. type.type. type. type. type. type. type. type. type.type. type. type. type. type. type. type. type.type. type. type. type. type. type. type. type.

Here

I find it hilarious that things can go from being so good, to so bad, in a simple matter of seconds.

Love

It's just so nice. It's just so so nice. I'm off school. Im sitting upright on my bed, listening to rilo kiley, drinking iced tea, with my windows open so it feels like my room is outside. And i got dressed an hour ago, at 6:30 PM. And all i did was throw on a summer dress that doesnt matter, because i dont care, and im not even wearing a bra. Im just in this light airy dress, with my hair all down and wild, barefoot, and just open. And it feels so nice, because Im sitting here actually reading. I am reading. for pleasure. And its just so so nice. And im not scared. Im actually excited for life and for things! I actually have things to look forward to, with out any dread! And this is why i love spring. The carelessness the growth the everything. rilo kiley. its all just perfect right now. my life is perfect right now. so perfect. And between yesterday and today, I actually had time to have heart to hearts with all four of my best friends for over an hour. First the whole night with steph, the whole school day and a half an hour long phone call with skye, a three hour long video chat with phoebe, and an hour long vid chat with izze. And yesterday was so amazing. Just XD, no matter how much bauer hated our piece, it was so much fun, and skipping all over school with skye, and rocking out with our hair, and playing basket ball with doug for a whole 45 minutes. even though i hate basket ball usually, this was so amazing. and doug taught us all this amazing stuff and hes so awesome. And it was amazing weather, just like now, with me and my light airy dress. and i am finally at calm. i am happy. im happy. completely and uterlly (spelling can go die in a whole) happy. life is good at this exact moment in time. And I am so excited for college tour. its going to be amazing and kick ass, and i have skye and jackie in my room, and i will be so happy. my life is amazing right now, for almost the first time since Guru died. I am COMPLETELY happy. There are just so many things to look forward to. So many good things to come. I'm actually enjoying myself. And I love it. I can finally just be at peace, and just... be. Im so happy. And Rilo Kiley is amazing, and helps so much. For some amazing godly reason. Thank you for existing. And thank you universe for letting me exist. 

And just as an update, parents are 80% sure that were staying. They just need to "finalize the decision" Stupid. My dad made up his mind. He told my mom to tell me we were staying. But my mom was like... "we have to finalize it, so its only 80% sure. stupid. Better than before though. My dad doesnt want to move and take me away. I can stay. With skye and phoebes and Ms. Bauer and Doug and izze and here on my bed with my iced tea and Northanger Abby, and I can stay happy here. And it will be good. And I started doing amazing at school. i was always pretty good. But this quarter was my quarter! I was on fire! and i feel like i have the right to brag! and i feel like it helped with my daddy's decision. Im actually so proud of myself

Its kind of funny. I wouldn't be sad if i died right now. Because everything is finally in its place. Thats how i would want it to come to a close. Yet again. I dont believe that death is the end, but more like, "the end of the beginning". I hope that when I die, it feels like the waterfalls that we do at school, that ive only ever done two of. But when we do them. I just. Its like now, where I can just be. 

I love living life. 

You and I

My brain works differently then other peoples. And I read differently than other people. Other people can look at the words and absorb them. When I read, I read as if I'm reading out loud, but I do it in my head. Same like when I write. I say it aloud in my head. I don't just... think it. And when I think, its usually in words. Its so strange. And almost no one else does that. Its insane. Am I made wrong? Do I think wrong? And don't you be thinking right now that "there is no wrong way to think". Because thats a lie. There very well could be. Im phsycotic. Maybe this drama ensemble monologue really is perfect for me. Except I'm not a virgin at age thirty. Yet again... I'm not thirty yet. I hope I'm married by then. How am I supposed to cry in front of coach? How can I be Juliet and make it interesting for coach to watch. I need to be new. Not old. And I have to be real. Not fake. How am I supposed to be real when I havn't lost a Romeo. I need so many answers. How does acting work. How is it real and fresh. Because it can be real. Its not pretend. Its not just words. Its real. Its realer than life itself when done right. And I want to do it right. 

Ask Away

Yes. I've crossed over to the dark side. 

.... Well.. they did have cookies:

http://www.formspring.me/zkchatila

oh sweet relief.....

DRAMA ENSEMBLE PACKET IS DONE AND TURNED IN AND I CAN FINALLY BREATHEE!!!!!

Procrastination Runs in the Family

My parents. Oh my goodness my parents. They just can't make a decision. My dad just keeps needing one more day? One more day. one more day. (if anyone else is thinking of les mis right now they get extra brownie points). All I know is that I love my family so much, I love my daddy so much, I love my home so much, I love my school so much, I love my friends so much, I love Ms. Bauer so much (and yes I put her up on a pedestal! of course! she is ms bauer for crying out loud). I don't think I could ever live with out bauer as my drama teacher (that will happen someday though). I love my people so much (my skye my phoebe my jamie my therine my nette my newbs) I just cant even see myself, I just cant even imagine. (thats a lie. i can imagine it) but i dont want it. I just want a home. Just one city I can call home. I lived in st louis from 0-9, now LA from 9-16 and then what another place from when im 16-18? then college from 18-22 the grad school from 22- how ever long gradschool lasts? I dont stay in one place. I have no city that is "where I grew up" or my "hometown". Everyone I know has always lived in one city. Skrew the world of medical research.

PMS

I feel like my dad is really annoyed with me. I dont really know why. Hes been out of town all week, but hes home now, which is good. Well, its good besides the fact that now that hes home my parents will be making almost the biggest decision ever within the next few days. I just kind of dont want it ever to be made, because that way I never have to find out what is going to happen, and I can live happily and nievely (however you spell that). And I'm doing so well in math and bio right now. I just dont want to screw it up. And I don't want to screw up my history grade with this project. I just want to get into college. A college that is first rate and nice and good for me and to me. I don't know. Maybe part of my journey is leaving. And if I do leave, everything will just be so weird for me. I dont know how to live there. I dont know physically how. 

Sometimes I just really wish that this blog was anonymous because then I could say whatever I wanted to and it wouldnt matter. No one would care and it would be just a blog that no one read except for me, and random people who were interested enough to read it. And then I could throw myself up all over this blog and no one would care or give me sympathy that I dont want. 

Its so weird. Everyone is obsessed with Julia's death. And thats great that she had so many people who love her. But I mean, so many people are obsessed with it. People who didnt know her at all, which is still nice. I mean I feel so sad for her family, but everyone keeps saying, "oh my god! im so sad she died! I met her only once at a party, but she seemed nice ! i cried all last night even though ive only met her once!" The thing that these people dont realize is that it happens every day. And Julia didnt even get the worst rap. Some people get cancer or AIDS, and basically have a death sentence. People watched Julia die, with out the chance to say goodbye, which must have been horrible, but imagine watching for a whole three months, or a whole year. Watching someone you love die infront of your eyes, and you cant stop it. The ONLY thing you can do is say goodbye. You slowly watch them go from living a normal life, to going to the hospital, to getting put into the ICU, to getting a respirator because they cant breathe on their own, to not even being able to stay awake anymore, to being dead. And youve lost them. No one gets that this happens every day, and theyre so sad and acting so distressed when they didnt even know her. Imagine losing one of your best friends. 5 months later and youre still a wreck.

Last night I woke up at about midnight. Because I just couldn't believe that Guru died. She died. She died? she died. The word has lost all meaning. Just a second ago, she was standing up, and walking, and being, and now shes just not? I dont get it. I dont understand the logic behind it. It doesnt make sense. I dont understand. I just dont get it. And its so hard, because ive been coping with this for months, and these random eighth graders at my school are throwing hissy fits because of Julia when the ADMIT theyve only SEEN her once in their entire lives. It just pisses me off so much, when it shouldnt. Because Julia's death was a sad affair. I never knew of her until a few days ago, but it was sad. But its just not. ok with me what theyre doing. Every day is someones death day. Every event that ever occurs is just as happy as it is sad. They just dont get it.

Time

Everything ever just needs to go jump off of a cliff, and disappear into a little ball of nothing. Because that way I have nothing to worry about! And nothing on my mind, and nothing keeping me up at night, and no parasites living in my stomach that just make me want to hurl all day long. Everything just needs to disappear for a little while. Because I cant think or feel through the loud mess that is my life. And if everything could disappear, for just one tiny millisecond. Then I could too. And then maybe, just maybe, I would find the time to runaway to a little corner in the middle of nowhere, and just sit down and be.

I'm not quite sure what to call it. So..... you can choose?

I have no idea what to write my drama ensemble essay on. I kind of just want to write it on how i have no idea what to write about. The two quotes are the exact same plus or minus a few words. And I have no idea what I am going to do about it............. monologue party anyone?

And as much as i love ms. sjoberg, i kind of want her to jump off a cliff.

For the warm up circle. I always get really frustrated because we ALWAYS do the ABC thing. which then takes over our tempo and our experimentation and our duration. and i always try to go longer or faster or just not do them. but everrrrryyyyoneeeee else does. which is so frustrating. just like with the "HO"s. always the same tempo. can we not play???? i dont want everrry dayyy to be the same. one day i should just go up to bauer and say: i dont want to do the warm up circle today. sorry. its part of my work. but i dont have the guts to. i just realized that i gave her the link to this. and thats alright. its a risk that im taking. so what. let it be. i dont think she reads this much. thats ok. shes a busy woman. I feel strange blogging about her now. i think im going to stopppp.

today everything came out in the open. for better or for worse im not sure. it was weird though. not good or bad. just weird. i dont think anyone really knows what to think of it. at all. thats ok too. possibly. i just hope nothing else erupts from it. theres already been too much going on for my taste. hopefully the worst part is over. and we can move on. to drama ensemble auditions. and evil mr. gwaltney. who can probably easily access this blog. but that would just be weird. hes only evil because his project is due the same day as drama ensemble packets are due. scary. that would be really weird if he was reading this. but he shares my google docs... and can access this page from my google profile i think...... not a good idea. but only therine would be such a stalker. i hope. i should really go finish kiffe kiffe demain. that needs to happen now. immediately. ok. this was an... interesting post.......