September 24, 2009

I'm sitting on my mommas bed

And I look into our back garden

And I see a squirrel about sixty feet up in the air

Scampering across five branches per second

And I wish with all of my heart that I could do the same

But I am just so light headed

So so so so very light headed right now

And my feet are so heavy

Just so so so very heavy right now

But if I were to be up there with Mr. Squirrel

My disoriented body would surely cause me to fall

The second I arrive at the top

And gravity will drag my heavy feet down the trunk of the tree

while my light head slowly and gracefully glides down the surface of the bark

Until my entire body is implanted in the mulch at the base of the tree.

And slowly but surely, my body will seep into the earth that created me

As my soul slowly floats towards the sky

And as my body sinks into my mother earth

It will be sheltered in her womb of soil

And her fresh water springs, her nebah, 

will fill her impregnated stomach and serve as amniotic fluid

While the roots of her trees will connect to where my belly button once was

And become my umbilical cord, my lifeline.

And I will have paid my debt back to my mama

And returned to her the body which she gave to me.

And as my body seeks its rest

My soul will slowly and every so carefully fly to the boarder of the universe

Where all that exists meets the end of everything tangible

And When It reaches this wall it will join it

Along with every other soul that has ever existed

To create a not so lonely belt of souls at the edge of the universe

And thus I will have finally found the peace that I seek daily.

And I will slowly Await my rebirth.

I am not sure of the date.

I think It all started 

It all ended

It all started

It all. happened.

on September 24, 2009.

But I'm too tired to get up

and look at the calendar 

to check

the

exact

date.

The English Language

The Oxford Dictionary knows what every single word in the world means. But I hate the knowing. I hate the defining. For once, I just want to stay in that place of not knowing where everything is perfect and my brain isn't involved. But the second I take that damn dictionary out and try to make everything logical, my life gets forced and unnatural, and I can't breathe any more. I can't breathe because of those damn walls that my brain puts up. I just want to not know. I just want to relax, and not know, and breathe. I want to thrive on those black floors, not knowing at all, and just being and being and being. Why can't the universe just. let. me. be.

Black Walls

The floor and I are friends.

I trust it not to fall out from under me.

I trust it with my body

and my weight.

and my back.

And it trusts me to hold it down.

It can carry my weight when I

am too weak to carry anything else,

In otherwords, every day of my life.

The only thing that i have complete faith in

and can trust with my whole entire soul.

Cat Eyes.

I can feel my spleen inside of me. 

Its moving around. and slimy. and weird.

I don't even know what spleens are or what they do.

I know my liver, and my panchreas

but what the hell is my spleen for?

But I can feel my spleen moving.

I hope it finds what its looking for

so it can stop crawling around my insides.

Like a gross slimy green gross sluggggg.

Belief

The Beatles tell the truth.

And I love them for that.

They might be the only ones.

I've Come Home From So Far.

All I wanted,

all I want actually,

Is to Be Ok.

And, I think 

That I finally am,

At this exact moment in time,

Somewhat Ok.

And that is all that I, 

Or anyone for that matter,

Really needs.

Just to be ok.

The Market

Wrath - Check

Greed - Check

Sloth - Check

Pride - Check

Lust - Check

Envy - Check

Gluttony - Check

I am going to hell.

I will never get to see my mother in heaven.

Crayons

I keep looking for lyrics that speak to me.

And then I forget how the song goes.

So I curse the damn lyrics

 and search for another song.

And I keep looking 

but I have no idea what to look for.

So I keep thinking

until I know what I need to find.

I get onto Facebook.

And spend an hour scrolling down my wall.

Until I hit April 2009.

And find the five words 

that I have been looking for 

for the past three and a half months:

Happy Belated Birthday!!! miss you!!

- Guru.

The only five words that I have.

5,000 Parcels

I don't want to write anymore.

Because I'm sick of writing.

And I don't want to work anymore.

Because I'm sick of working.

And all I want is to feel grass on my neck.

And my back.

And cold on my damn face.

And that's the one thing that I can't have.

The. one. thing.

Seize The Day

If I leave Peyton Sawyer.

Then I'll never see Peter again.

Who makes my life so much easier.

Every thursday when he comes.

He's leaving on a red eye tonight

straight from our house to washington.

And if I leave I'll never talk to him again.

He doesn't know it, but he's the one I will miss most.

Because he is the one that I will never talk to again.

And he's the one that I'm secretly in love with.

Just like Her and Doug.

Even more than She loves Doug.

I love Peter.

And when he knocked on the door tonight

I was in leggings and an old pajama shirt.

With white face wash all over my face.

And a bun on the top of my head.

And I was home alone with him.

And he talked to me for 10 minutes straight.

With no one watching.

And I'll never tell him how amazing he is.

Because he's engaged.

And if I leave. 

I'll never talk to him again.

Because he's 29.

And I'm 15 going on 16.

And I knew we were meant to be

When he started singing the Fantastiks 

During my sister's math lesson.

And he didn't even know it was my favorite musical.

And I'm 15 going on 16.

I secretly with i was 28.

Excuses

Calcium

Cow

Rust is vegan.

And she's brave.

Because if I don't have chocolate

Then I don't have a coping mechanism.

And my rib's can't carry the weight.

But hers can.

And I like cows.

Paper

The only person 

who I really want to read this

is Bauer.

But I'm too scared

to give her

the

link.

The Nutcracker

Sandra Cisneros knows

That her mom smells like bread

and there are rats

and Sally

and Nenny doesn't care.

And her dad, is there.

And there's pinapple juice.

Mixed with coconut 

and other fruitlike things.

But I can't pinpoint anything in my life.

And I don't have saddle shoes like Sandra does.

One Cell in the Sea

It's not my knees.

Its my ribs.

and my knees.

and I can't write in my journal.

because it's blank

and its staring at me

with its orangeish paper.

And my ribs are too weak to carry the weight.

She's so heavy.

Except I don't want her.

I can't want her.

Damn.

1849

I've Gotta Have You

The Weepies.

Make sence.

Because.

They induce weeping on my part.

And the world spins madly on.

And induce should be spelled with an E.

Skrew it.

The Cat - I need my Plastiques.

I need my drama class back.

I wish I had a damn time machine.

So I could work with my knees.

Its my knees.

Just like Allie and her wrists.

And Schuyler and her amazingness

That I'm secretly so jealous of.

And it's only doubts that we're counting.

My damn knees.

Polar Ice Caps

I just can't think

and there's a puzzle in the room

sitting next to me

that I'm just too lazy to do

and my knees are locking.

and its stupid.

Just like Darwin's theory of evolution.

And arctic rabbits that show up on tests.

Who look so sweet, but you don't know

why their fur is black.

So you write because of the cold.

And Sjoberg doesn't even give you partial credit.

Stupid Arctic Rabbits.

I thought you were my friends.

30 Rockaffeler Plaza

And it hurts in my knees.

And it hurts in my ankles.

And it hurts in my lungs.

And my heart keeps pumping.

It pumps so fast.

And I keep running.

I just keep running.

I keep running 

and i never look back.

And I keep running but 

I don't know why.

An Indian in the Cougars Nest

Life sucks.

and we're stuck here.

to deal with the mess that was thrown at as.

but its not my mess...

and meanwhile, 

all of the cougars 

being to nest.

Four Little Tear Stains of Mine

Four Skinny Trees

They are the only ones who understand me. 

I am the only one who understands them. 

For skinny trees with skinny necks and pointy 

elbows like mine. Four who do not belong here but are here. 

Four raggedy excuses planted by the city. 

From our room we can hear them, but Nenny 

just sleeps and doesn't appreciate these things.

Their strength is secret. 

They send ferocious roots beneath the ground. 

They grow up and they grow down 

and grab the earth between their hairy toes and 

bite the sky with violent teeth and never quit their anger. 

This is how they keep.

Let one forget his reason for being, 

they'd all droop like tulips in a glass, 

each with their arms around the other. 

Keep, keep, keep, trees 

say when I sleep. They teach.

When I am too sad and too skinny to keep keeping, 

when I am a tiny thing against so many bricks,

then it is I look at trees. When there

is nothing left to look at on this street. 

Four who grew despite concrete. 

Four who reach and do not forget to reach.

Four whose only reason 

is to be and be.

  - Sandra Cisneros

The House on Mango Street

Page 74

The Nest Full of Eggs

When I breathe my lungs swell.

According to Boyle's law:

When volume increases

Pressure decreases.

Air flows from areas of high pressure

To areas of lower pressure.

And we breathe with our swollen lungs.

More Adventurous - Rilo Kiley

Time On Your Side - Emily Jane White

Irony

I decide to go jogging

because of all of the stress eating 

that I have done this week

and the chinese food I had for lunch.

I go running for an hour, then come home

and find a box of chocolates on the dining room table.

I decide to eat them as a reward for running.

Pieces of Glass

Neil. 

and Leo.

and Matthew.

and the other Matthew.

and James.

and Matt.

Are all just figments of my imagination.

Which are just made out of pictures

which are all just made of nonsense

and stuck up into my brain where they hide.

But why is it that they seem more real then everything outside?

The only safe place is indoors

inside of my head

inside of my thoughts

which are all made out of

nothing.

Concious

I can never choose what to wear.

So I decide that it doesn't matter.

Who cares what I look like anyways?

I throw on a pair of jeans,

and then proceed to spend 

the two subsequent hours

doing my hair.

I'm Not White.

I'm Ethnic.

Time on Your Side

she's a dancer

 when she dances she is free
and three in the morning

 and the clouds rise in the east to
frank sinatra which her parents put on repeat, 

on repeat. 

- Emily Jane White

Love Me

How do you know 

if you've found it,

If you don't even know

what your looking for?

More Adventurous

And if my brain quits, well I guess then that's just it
And if my hands stop working you can call me lazy
And if I get pregnant, I guess I'll just have the baby
Let it be loved, let me be loved

I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For me to be saved and you to be brave 
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved

- Rilo Kiley

BE OK

Just give me back my pieces

Just give them back to me, please

Just give me back my pieces

And let me hold my broken heart.

- Ingrid Michaelson

Air

Times have changed to the point where I don't have time to go outside every night to smell the fresh air. Life is now defined as school and homework. Nothing is desirable about this life. I don't have time to read anymore, or spend hours on end with my family. I stay locked up in my room doing school work. And I never have a chance to smell the air outside. Instead I open up my window and pray for a pitiful breeze to bless me with its presence. 

Change: Story of My Life

Peyton Sawyer was right 

when she said that people always leave. 

I just never though that I would be doing the leaving.