Saturday, March 27, 2010


It's just so nice. It's just so so nice. I'm off school. Im sitting upright on my bed, listening to rilo kiley, drinking iced tea, with my windows open so it feels like my room is outside. And i got dressed an hour ago, at 6:30 PM. And all i did was throw on a summer dress that doesnt matter, because i dont care, and im not even wearing a bra. Im just in this light airy dress, with my hair all down and wild, barefoot, and just open. And it feels so nice, because Im sitting here actually reading. I am reading. for pleasure. And its just so so nice. And im not scared. Im actually excited for life and for things! I actually have things to look forward to, with out any dread! And this is why i love spring. The carelessness the growth the everything. rilo kiley. its all just perfect right now. my life is perfect right now. so perfect. And between yesterday and today, I actually had time to have heart to hearts with all four of my best friends for over an hour. First the whole night with steph, the whole school day and a half an hour long phone call with skye, a three hour long video chat with phoebe, and an hour long vid chat with izze. And yesterday was so amazing. Just XD, no matter how much bauer hated our piece, it was so much fun, and skipping all over school with skye, and rocking out with our hair, and playing basket ball with doug for a whole 45 minutes. even though i hate basket ball usually, this was so amazing. and doug taught us all this amazing stuff and hes so awesome. And it was amazing weather, just like now, with me and my light airy dress. and i am finally at calm. i am happy. im happy. completely and uterlly (spelling can go die in a whole) happy. life is good at this exact moment in time. And I am so excited for college tour. its going to be amazing and kick ass, and i have skye and jackie in my room, and i will be so happy. my life is amazing right now, for almost the first time since Guru died. I am COMPLETELY happy. There are just so many things to look forward to. So many good things to come. I'm actually enjoying myself. And I love it. I can finally just be at peace, and just... be. Im so happy. And Rilo Kiley is amazing, and helps so much. For some amazing godly reason. Thank you for existing. And thank you universe for letting me exist. 

And just as an update, parents are 80% sure that were staying. They just need to "finalize the decision" Stupid. My dad made up his mind. He told my mom to tell me we were staying. But my mom was like... "we have to finalize it, so its only 80% sure. stupid. Better than before though. My dad doesnt want to move and take me away. I can stay. With skye and phoebes and Ms. Bauer and Doug and izze and here on my bed with my iced tea and Northanger Abby, and I can stay happy here. And it will be good. And I started doing amazing at school. i was always pretty good. But this quarter was my quarter! I was on fire! and i feel like i have the right to brag! and i feel like it helped with my daddy's decision. Im actually so proud of myself

Its kind of funny. I wouldn't be sad if i died right now. Because everything is finally in its place. Thats how i would want it to come to a close. Yet again. I dont believe that death is the end, but more like, "the end of the beginning". I hope that when I die, it feels like the waterfalls that we do at school, that ive only ever done two of. But when we do them. I just. Its like now, where I can just be. 

I love living life. 

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